Just like the Hotel California I'm back in Christchurch but this time I'm ashamed of being back in my hometown. I am depressed and angry and almost ready to pretend that I was born and raised in Ashburton. The weather has been relatively lovely, I'm directing a lovely bunch of actors in another children's spectacular that will change the lives of youth throughout the country and I get to drive the lovely Corolla, however that's not enough to knead the knot of disgust and loathing that lies within my largest muscle.
There are two words responsible for this state of affairs.
The Feelers.
The Feelers are shit.
The Feelers are the Antipodean Nickleback.
I like Jack Johnson more than The Feelers.
The Feelers are from Christchurch.
I thought The Feelers had gone the way of other such MOR, turgid, could-be-Christian bands like Creed, Puddle of Mud and Muddy Puddle of Creed however just when I thought it was safe to listen to The Rock again they sneak up and sonically spit-roast me, raping both my ears simultaneously with unlubricated stereophonic shit.
The first outrage was their cover of the the 1990 Jesus Jones hit 'Right Here Right Now'. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a bit of a Jesus Jones fan back in the day when I was going through my baggy phase. You didn't tell people you were into Jesus Jones at the time though, you just listened to their songs on your walkman under your bed-covers at night with a torch to read Mike Edward's cryptic and deep lyrics.
A woman on the radio talks about revolution
when it's already passed her by
but Bob Dylan didn't have this to sing about
you know it feels good to be alive.
Apparently The Feelers singing this will also make you feel good about parting with hundreds of your hard earned dollars to watch some men playing rugby next year. I'm hoping the IRB chose this song because Bob Dylan will be singing the national anthems before the games and doing half-time spots with Janet Jackson but I'm not holding my breath. The Feelers have taken one of my least favourite Jesus Jones songs and turned it into my least favourite Jesus Jones song. I bet the bloody Feelers could take one of my favourite songs, like 'Black Coffee' by the wonderful All Saints and make it my least favourite song without even trying. In fact Black Coffee would be a much better Rugby World Cup song, cause you could tweak the title to 'All Black Coffee' and it has lyrics like...
I wouldnt wanna be
Anywhere else but... here
I wouldnt wanna change
Anything at all
(Anything oh I..)
Shit...I hope The Feelers aren't reading this.
Then The Feelers decided it wasn't enough to ruin the Rugby World Cup and decided to spray their musical effluent all over New Zealand's miraculous participation in the Football World Cup. The last time we were in a World Cup Final was in Spain in 1982 and we had the best song ever. I can still remember the lyrics and the tune...
We're the All Whites
And we're marching off to Spain,
We'll score goals, goals, goals,
And we'll score some more again!
Genius! Absolute quality of the highest order. We also had this slightly less catchy cracker from Ray Wolf.
What have we got this year? Well, we have got The Feelers song 'Stand Up' sung by Australian Idol winner Stan Walker. I could only get to 40 seconds before I wanted to go all Van Gough on myself. What an insipid dirge that stirs nothing but the desire to vomit in your own mouth. We'll all be singing this in the pubs come June...
It's time to open up and shed a little light
On your soul
'Cause the box you put your heartache in got
Lost or swept out to sea
Now it's time just to move on
This song is written by James Reid. James Reid attended Christ's College and according to Wikipedia, "during his years at high school James developed an appreciation of music of all types, especially thrash metal which he still continues to play to this day in one of his lesser known bands Sausagetera." God help us all.
Please Ray Wolf, I beg you, re-release 'Heading for the Top' before June. Pleeeeeeeasssse!
Finally, a big thank you to The Outwits and all who sailed on her last weekend for the 48 Hours Film Festival. It was a wonderful weekend and we ended up with a very funny and silly seven minute musical with three part harmony, a whole lotta whip-pans and a splash of Chocolate Rain.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Hi Ho Silver Member
One of the perks of treading the boards for a living is that you get to tread to exotic destinations on a regular basis. New Zealand has about as many theatre companies as the dodgy end of Drury Lane where the Muffin Man lives so to make a living you have to make it on time to your Jetstar flights.
As a professional at the height of my game I however have been travelling on dead posh Air New Zealand where high-flying stars like myself are showered with free water and tea or coffee before being offered a choice of 'a biscuit', 'some sweets' or 'fruity chips'. I really lucked out when I flew back from Christchurch over Easter and was given a free Cadbury Creme Egg and a lolly to suck on while going down. I also lucked out by crashing over the status points threshold into the hallowed world of the 'Silver Member'. This means I am about to be showered with more free shit like an ePass which I think is an Air New Zealand version of the iPad, two complimentary one entry Koru lounge passes and priority airport standby which means, "When you are at the airport and you wish to travel on an alternative flight, if a seat becomes available you will be given priority standby." I get to the airport and suddenly realise I want to travel on an alternate flight all the time so this benefit will be invaluable. Sometimes that Speights you're drinking, McDonalds burger you're eating or Tom Clancy novel you're reading is just too good to rush in order to do something as paltry as catch a plane. It's a huge relief to know that now I will be able to splash out another $300 and be first in line to fly half an hour later.
I've still got a way to go to reach the nirvana that is 'Gold Elite'. My brother is lucky enough to be one of that select bunch and he actually gets to the fly the plane if he wants to while smoking a fag and talking on his mobile phone. Also, the in-flight crew, both male and female have to obey his every request no matter how outlandish or debauched. He once got me into the Gold Elite VIP section of the Koru Lounge with him before a flight and it looked exactly like this.
And yes, Helen Mirren was actually there.
Here's a list of the exotic places I've been to over the last two weeks in reverse order of exoticness.
Christchurch
Wellington
Napier
Hastings
Napier and Hastings were particularly exotic as I hadn't been to either before. I knew Napier was famous for its collection of art-deco buildings which came about when the city was lucky enough to have an earthquake during the art-deco period however Hastings was a mystery. Napier was nice and the Ujazi cafe magic carrot cake was magical but who knew that Hastings was such a haven for arts and signage. I was there to take part in a special one-off performance of 'Austen Found', an improvised musical tribute to the genius of Jane Austen where I pretend I'm Colin Firth and stand around looking moody at balls. We did the show at the beautiful Hawke's Bay Opera House for 250 students of the National Youth Drama School and some general public. The NYDS is a fantastic opportunity for young budding arty types aged between 16 and 18 to come together to study every aspect of theatre and film imaginable. After they have come together to study it also provides a fantastic opportunity for them to root each other and try to come together again. They were all lovely young people and asked us lots of intelligent questions after the show before dashing back to Havelock North for the nightly group orgy.
Hastings is also full of helpful and exciting signs. I have captured a few of them for your viewing pleasure. Need some realy cheap carpet... Go to Hastings!
Really want a cat or dog but can't afford to feed them... go to Hastings!
Don't know how to wash your hands...go to Hastings! Don't forget your wrists!
Thank you Hastings for teaching me the six step five finger technique and the hygenic joy of rotational rubbing. I'm hoping this poster says something really filthy in sign-language so if anyone can fill me in I'd be most grateful.
To conclude, here is a link to the best show in the Wellington Comedy Festival. If you live in Wellington you must go. If you don't you should fly with Air New Zealand to Wellington to see it and I'll get one of you into the Koru Lounge for a free muffin.
As a professional at the height of my game I however have been travelling on dead posh Air New Zealand where high-flying stars like myself are showered with free water and tea or coffee before being offered a choice of 'a biscuit', 'some sweets' or 'fruity chips'. I really lucked out when I flew back from Christchurch over Easter and was given a free Cadbury Creme Egg and a lolly to suck on while going down. I also lucked out by crashing over the status points threshold into the hallowed world of the 'Silver Member'. This means I am about to be showered with more free shit like an ePass which I think is an Air New Zealand version of the iPad, two complimentary one entry Koru lounge passes and priority airport standby which means, "When you are at the airport and you wish to travel on an alternative flight, if a seat becomes available you will be given priority standby." I get to the airport and suddenly realise I want to travel on an alternate flight all the time so this benefit will be invaluable. Sometimes that Speights you're drinking, McDonalds burger you're eating or Tom Clancy novel you're reading is just too good to rush in order to do something as paltry as catch a plane. It's a huge relief to know that now I will be able to splash out another $300 and be first in line to fly half an hour later.
I've still got a way to go to reach the nirvana that is 'Gold Elite'. My brother is lucky enough to be one of that select bunch and he actually gets to the fly the plane if he wants to while smoking a fag and talking on his mobile phone. Also, the in-flight crew, both male and female have to obey his every request no matter how outlandish or debauched. He once got me into the Gold Elite VIP section of the Koru Lounge with him before a flight and it looked exactly like this.
And yes, Helen Mirren was actually there.
Here's a list of the exotic places I've been to over the last two weeks in reverse order of exoticness.
Christchurch
Wellington
Napier
Hastings
Napier and Hastings were particularly exotic as I hadn't been to either before. I knew Napier was famous for its collection of art-deco buildings which came about when the city was lucky enough to have an earthquake during the art-deco period however Hastings was a mystery. Napier was nice and the Ujazi cafe magic carrot cake was magical but who knew that Hastings was such a haven for arts and signage. I was there to take part in a special one-off performance of 'Austen Found', an improvised musical tribute to the genius of Jane Austen where I pretend I'm Colin Firth and stand around looking moody at balls. We did the show at the beautiful Hawke's Bay Opera House for 250 students of the National Youth Drama School and some general public. The NYDS is a fantastic opportunity for young budding arty types aged between 16 and 18 to come together to study every aspect of theatre and film imaginable. After they have come together to study it also provides a fantastic opportunity for them to root each other and try to come together again. They were all lovely young people and asked us lots of intelligent questions after the show before dashing back to Havelock North for the nightly group orgy.
Hastings is also full of helpful and exciting signs. I have captured a few of them for your viewing pleasure. Need some realy cheap carpet... Go to Hastings!
Really want a cat or dog but can't afford to feed them... go to Hastings!
Don't know how to wash your hands...go to Hastings! Don't forget your wrists!
Thank you Hastings for teaching me the six step five finger technique and the hygenic joy of rotational rubbing. I'm hoping this poster says something really filthy in sign-language so if anyone can fill me in I'd be most grateful.
To conclude, here is a link to the best show in the Wellington Comedy Festival. If you live in Wellington you must go. If you don't you should fly with Air New Zealand to Wellington to see it and I'll get one of you into the Koru Lounge for a free muffin.
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