There can be only one.

I don't know about you but I love the 80's. It's probably a generational thing in that because I was born in the 70's, my early teenage years took place in the 80's and I will forever associate that decade with teenage pursuits like bunking Burnside High School to drive around Christchurch in my friends dad's Ferrari, writing a 1000 word essay in the Burnside High School library on a Saturday about who I think I am and changing my name to Duckie Dale and dancing with Kirsty Swanson at the Burnside High School prom.

This week the 80's have come back and spun me right round, baby right round, like a record baby, right round, round, round. I've only just realised that this extraordinary congruence of 80's occurrence actually began when I posted my last blog on May 16th however I'll start this story on Wednesday night.

On Wednesday night I had my first ever professional gig as a DJ. It was all set up through a good friend who I shall refer to as Mr Toad. Mr Toad knows a lot of people and knew someone who was organising a big event in Auckland and knew that they needed a DJ and recommended me. What Mr Toad didn't know is that my Technics were all dusty and I hadn't played a record for two years because  both decks needed new styli and whenever I had enough money to buy new styli I spent it on booze and mags instead.

The event was for a big hotel chain and it took place at that big church St Matthews in the City that I mentioned in my post of December 19th last year. It was a big thank you to all their big corporate clients and I was there to play big banging background bangers all night long and crank things up if anyone looked like they wanted to dance while eating their meaty rolls. After forking out $110 on two new Stanton 500 styli and lugging my two turntables, mixer and a box of vinyl to the church I was all ready to go all Oakenfold on them and play a nine hour set of obscure Paradise Garage B-sides and a whole lot of Krautrock.

What I ended up playing was Wham! Rap (Enjoy What You Do) to a lot of bewildered middle-aged Asian men. For some reason I had forgotten that my record collection consists exclusively of music unsuitable for background mood music, except thank God for the double album from St. Germain which was played in it's entirety while I fiddled with the faders and jiggled the record not playing to make it look like I was doing something. After the MD's speech the organiser told me to, "pump it up a bit" so I flopped out 'Dont Stop Till You Get Enough' and pumped it up to slightly intrusive background music level with the expectation that all my Asian admirers would be grabbing their crotches in appreciation.

This didn't happen so I went to my guaranteed party starter '99 Luftballoons' which went down like a lead balloon. How anyone can resist getting juiced up to Nena is beyond me, I mean, just look at her.

She's got her name bedazzled on her tie for heavens sake! Still nothing though. At the lowest moments in my life I have always turned to George Michael for advice and salvation and this was one of those moments. I had a double album of Wham!'s greatest hits at my disposal and now was the time to unleash it. Unfortunately one of the records was bent and unplayable but luckily that was the second record with the dodgy stuff when George's brackets got out of control like 'I'm Your Man (Extended Stimulation)' and 'Blue (Armed With Love)'. Here is a photo of me with George and the other fella.

I thought it was impossible not to shave your derriere to...

Hey everybody take a look at me,
I've got street credibility,
I may not have a job,
But I have a good time,
With the boys that I meet "down on the line"

...until Wednesday night that is. Not a sausage moved and I pulled my fader down in despair and played 'Hungry Like The Wolf' while I died inside.

Moving on. Today I had an audition for a film that I can't tell you too much about even though I didn't sign any confidentiality agreement. I had a few issues with doing this audition as I had to pay money to do it due to the fact that it's an Australian film and the casting director couldn't be arsed coming over. However once I found out who was directing it I was struck dumb by 80's convergence and knew that I had to audition, even if the film was about a tsunami hitting a Queensland town propelling a school of tiger sharks into a suburbian shopping mall where they proceed to eat everyone except the recovering alcoholic shark expert and the woman who used to love him. I can't tell you the real title of the film so let's call it 'Sharks in a Shopping Mall'.

It's been written and will be directed by Russell Mulcahy who...wait for it....directed the video for 'Hungry Like The Wolf' by Duran Duran. In fact, Russell directed nearly every music video in the 80's including, 'Rio', 'The Reflex', 'Bette Davis Eyes', 'I'm Still Standing', 'True', 'Total Eclipse of the Heart', 'Vienna', 'A Kind of Magic' and 'Video Killed the Radio Star' which was the first music video ever played on MTV in 1981.

But wait...there's more! He also directed one of my favourite films of all time 'Highlander'! Fuckin Highlander! He also directed 'Highlander II' but we won't talk about that. And then as I start this post I realise my last post was titled 'There can't be only one' which was an attempt at a witty variation of Christopher Lambert's immortal line in Highlander! Thank you 80's for guiding me in the right direction to fork out $65 on an audition.

If I don't get the part the film will be dumb so it doesn't matter.

There can't be only one.

This is my 35th posting and now that I've built my follwers up to 12, although I think Beth is following me twice for some reason, it's high time for a gratuitous plug for my show that's coming up. I'm always suspicious when actors want to be my friend because deep down I know they're only being nice to me so at some stage they will have another chum to badger to come and see their solo show about something that happened in their lives that they think other people will give a shit about. They will usually be playing multiple characters. It will usually be a uniquely New Zealand story about New Zealanders that New Zealanders can relate to and reflect our New Zealandness in a uniquely New Zealand way to build New Zealand's cultural identity and make all New Zealanders proud of being New Zealanders and living in New Zealand. If you tick off all those New Zealand boxes you may have a slim chance of getting some funding from Creative New Zealand who, "invest resources in New Zealand arts for the long-term benefit of New Zealanders."

I really want you all to come and see my solo show about something that happened in my life that I think you will give a shit about. I also play multiple characters. Unfortunately Creative New Zealand decided not to invest resources in my art for the long term benefit of this New Zealander so I am unashamedly badgering you. If I was a badger this is how I would have looked when I found out Creative New Zealand weren't giving us any money.

That is an angry Honey Badger. I will be honest and say that often I would rather coat my privates in honey and put an angry Honey Badger down my pants than go and see some theatre. I'm meant to be seeing a show right now but haven't gone because I either lost my tickets or they weren't sent to me in the first place so either I'm not committed enough to go see it or someone else isn't committed enough for me to go see it. If there was nudity and free booze afterwards I definitely would have committed to seeing it however I'm pretty sure this particular show features neither.

My show doesn't have any nudity either although I do wear a very tight pair of green tights so if you come wearing red tinted glasses my bottom half will look like I'm naked with jaundice. My producer...yes I have a real live producer and what's more he's Danish and what's more he's great so I shall refer to him from now on as the Great Dane, has hinted he may have scored us some sponsorship from a boozery so here's hoping there will be free booze as well. Just out of interest the Great Dane's real name is how a pirate would say anus.

So, unconfirmed free booze plus the opportunity to see my cock and balls all scrunched up in tight tights. I bet you're all gagging for it now aren't you. Well, as much as you're all gagging away there's no way you're gagging as much as this mystery person.

 I get emailed these sales reports everyday and until our barrage of advertising kicks in, (a Facebook group and some fliers), you never expect to sell anything. Imagine my excitement when I opened my daily report on April 19th to find the hideous phrase 'No sales data available' had been replaced with 'Standard Concession $20.00 $0.00 $20.00 1 $20.00'. Someone, somewhere at sometime between 6.56am Sunday April 18th and 6.56am Monday 19th April purchased one concession ticket to my show that hadn't even been advertised! As the cheap bastard purchased a concession they are either a member of Equity, a student, a senior citizen, on a community services card or all of the above. My one ticket sold may be to an 81 year old actor majoring in feminist theology with one leg and and a rash. This should narrow it down and help to identify the purchaser but so far I can't think of who it could be.

Can any of you dear readers shed light on this mystery?

Anyway, the promotional campaign has kicked off now so I'm expecting sales to sky-rocket. Flight of the Conchords sold out the Wembley arena (capacity 12,500) twice in 0.2 seconds with no advanced sales so I'm sure  I can sell out The Basement (capacity 100) eight times and maybe pencil in the Vector Arena just in case.

You can buy tickets here.