Purple Vein

It's all happening in Christchurch at the moment, there's the Buskers Festival, the after-shocks and on Wednesday a man got himself into hot-water for a spate of hot-water cylinder burglaries. I'm back in Christchurch to work on a show about rugby. Here is a picture to get you excited about the show.

I wish I had legs like the anonymous person my head has been seamlessly stuck onto. That guy's got great quads, not to mention some very impressive guns and boulder shoulders. My legs can best be described as 'comedic anemic' and are the same width from top to bottom except for the knee joint that bulges outward like a rice ball. It's shaping up to be a good show and so far features one of us in nothing but a pair of Dan Carter undies, another dressed as a giant testicle and all of us in tutus. It also has lots of running around in circles being chased by a gorilla. We're just completed our third week of rehearsal and my first week of having to direct myself. The other two actors, who I shall call Postie and Potpinto to protect their identity have been a pleasure to work with, however I have been very difficult and indulging in non-stop Auckland acting. I've been calling myself an 'arseholebitchfuckersuckhead' and giving myself line-readings while trying to root myself to loosen me up but so far it's not working. It would probably help if I learnt my lines but I'm finding it easier to paraphrase and then re-write them to suit.

For the first two weeks we were lucky to have the services of an extremely talented and experienced director who I shall call Dori. Dori departed last weekend to start work on The Hobbit which I blogged about in October when its production was in jeopardy due to the actions of the Grey Lynn Equity Everywhere Club. You'll be pleased to know that thanks to our beloved leader John Key the films are being made in NZ and all is well and everyone is happy...except the actors but they can just act happy cause that is what they're trained to do.

Everyone thinks John secured the films by changing the employment law and giving Warner Brothers tax breaks and a bag of cash however these photos suggest the real deal-breaker was some purple flowers.

Mr Green, Mr Blue, Mr Red and Purple Flowers

Sad Warner Brothers executives with no flowers

It defies belief that John saved a $500 million double-feature with purple flowers however the photos do not lie. John Key, or the 'smiling assassin' as his foreign exchange colleagues referred to him as he fired them in their hundreds, had done his research. He knew the whole union thing was just an excuse for some lonely movie-men to come to New Zealand to smell our flowers. Here we see the executives being shown some mighty fine blooms outside Premier House before negotiations began.

Here is a photo of one of the Warners execs sniffing his hand after fingering a bloom.

John understands the misery filthy rich men face every day and knew the timeless gift of flowers would be enough to melt their molten hearts and clinch the deal. Thanks to Wikileaks I can now reveal this exclusive transcript of the negotiations...

JK: How do you like New Zealand?
WB: We've only been here for an hour but those Beamers that picked us up were bitchin'! Thanks for that.
JK: Sweet as bro.
WB: Why didn't you pick us up Jon? Didn't you say you'd pick up David Letterman if he came to New Zealand?
JK: Oh yeah, but I had to go and pick some fl...
[Dull thump followed by girl like shriek, assumed to be Gerry Brownlee kicking John Key in the shin.]
GB: John had to go and pick us up didn't you John?
JK: Aw yeah, I had to pick up Gerry and...ummm....ahhhhh...
SJ: I'm Stephen Joyce.
JK: ...Stephen...yeah...I had to pick up Gerry and Stephen.
WB: Couldn't they drive themselves here?
JK: Nah, we've only got 12 BMWs and you fullas used 11 of them.
[Warner Brothers executives cackle and snort.]
WB: You crazy Kiwis! We love you guys!
JK: We just love it that you love us guys!
SJ: I'm Stephen Joyce!
WB: OK Jonny, let's get down to business. We're not happy.
JB: Me either. Would you like me to fire every actor in New Zealand? I'm really good at firing people.
WB: No need for that Jonny, we love your Kiwi actors. They're so God damned cute, the way they learn their lines for a first audition thinking they've got a hope in hell of scoring a major role.
JK: You sure? I love firing people...
WB: Nah, they're dealing with enough shit as it is. We've dealt with actors unions since before you were born Jonny, so don't get yourself all het up.
JK: So what do you want?
WB: We can't tell you that Jonny, you have to guess!
JK: Some money?
WB: Maybe....
JK: Gerry, how much money can we give them?
GB: We haven't got any money John but we can offer an extra $20 million in taxpayer subsidies...
WB: Done, but we're still not happy.
JK: How about we give you another $13.5 million to off-set your marketing costs.
GB: How will we pay for that?
JK: A GST increase should cover it.
WB: That's mighty hospitable of you Jonny, but we're still not happy.
JK: We could ram through some badly drafted changes to the employment law if you like?
WB: That's mighty big of you Jonny. You're mighty big too Gerry. Would you like to be an orc?
GB: Rwwwwoarrrgghhhhh!
[Lots of laughter.]
WB: Hey, good job Gerry, you've got the part.
SJ: I'm Stephen Joyce!
WB: Calm down baldy, they'll be a role for you too.
JK: So, are you happy now?
WB: Not quite...
JB: Ummmm...would you like some Skyhawks?
WB: Nope.
JB: Stephen could suck your....
WB: Jeezus no!
JK: Well...I don't know what else to offer....except this bunch of purple flowers.
WB: Thank you Jonny. That's all we needed to hear.
JK: You're happy now?
WB: Yesiree. We love your flowers Jonny, especially those purdee purple ones.
JK: That's all you really wanted?
WB: Yep. Now, let's go make a movie!

Good job boys!