What a week this is turning out to be, three auditions! Yesterday I auditioned for a television commercial where I had one line. Only one line you ask, what is so exciting about that? I'll tell you, not only was this one line sung, it was delivered direct to camera! That's how exciting it was. I played a dodgy bell-hop and I would love to tell you more however I signed a confidentiality clause. The call-backs were today and I didn't get called back but I'm cool with that. It was a dumb commercial and the product it was for is stupid and if I got it I would be typecast and it would ruin my career and all of you who saw it would have thought I was dumb and not read my blog anymore.
Today I auditioned for a television series! I had lots of lines but they weren't my lines, they were the lines of another actor who hadn't done a very good job so they needed someone to say his lines for him betterer. I would love to tell you about this television series however I signed a confidentiality novel and this ship is so tight people with loose lips can't sink it because their lips have been severed with a sword swung by Kirk Douglas while he rogers Xena Warrior Princess. Ha ha! I have dropped numerous clues into the previous sentence as to the identity of the mysterious TV series, see if you can work it out. If you do you'll probably be killed by an American TV executive so be careful. Anyway, I was auditioning with six other men and after two hours was told I wasn't betterer enough to deliver someone elses lines better than them and was released. 'Released' is a technical term for being free to say yes to all the other film/TV/theatre/childrens show/wandering around dressed as a woman work I am always inundated with. I don't care. It's going to be a dumb worldwide phenomenon that will make all involved very famous and get them on the covers of Woman's Day before they are forced to become Scientologists and roger Tom Cruise in John Travolta's cockpit.
My third audition is on Friday and this one is really really exciting because I have no lines! I hate learning lines so small parts are right up my alley. The smaller the part the happier my alley is so at the moment my alley is positively creaming itself with anticipation. This one's all secret squirrel as well so I'm sorry, no matter how far up my alley you probe you won't get a hot scoop. I really hope I get it, unless I don't when I won't care because it was dumb.
I should go down to Christchurch for eight weeks more often. I think my agent may have forgotten who I was and assumes I'm new on their books and will make them 10% of a small fortune or maybe there's just a spike in the 'quirky and distinctive yet normal and likeable guy' demand curve. Who knows. Sometimes this whole acting business is like trying to fix a toilet with a fish and a tuba instead of shitting in the tuba and wiping your arse with the fish.
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