Two really exciting events of world importance have happened since my last post. The first is the revelation that Tiger Woods has been sharing his one wood with every woman everywhere every second of every day. I'm not going to pass judgement except to say that getting into the rough with Tiger would provide some great opportunities to shout out things that golfers say without having to give up a day playing golf. Imagine screaming, 'Get in the hole!' just as Tiger is about to mount you. That would be fun. As Tiger took you from the front nine to the back nine and his member's bounce was dimpled for your pleasure you could respond by shouting 'bogey, bogey, par, par, par, birdie, birdie, eagle, eagle, ALBATROSS!'. If you felt like another lay-up with Tiger you could pull and push until he was pin-high and then after a quick up-and-down scream 'FORE' as he hit your sweet-spot and flop-shotted right onto your green in regulation. Good-good!
The other significant world event was the unveiling of the new Santa that graces the Whitcomb & Tombs store on the corner of Queen and Victoria Streets. The Santa actually belongs to another store called Farmers and Haywrights who are celebrating their 1000th anniversary I think so they decided to celebrate by having a fiddle with the big Santa because he looked like a fiddler. Here's how he used to look although the photo doesn't convey the full creepiness of the old Santa. His index finger on his right hand, which looks like it could be caressing a young enormous nipple, actually moved back and forth as if it was caressing a young enormous nipple. To support this action his left eye winked at half the speed of his nipple finger unless it was broken in which it case it remained lazily half open as if Santa had had a stroke or injected too much botox. I'd love to say Santa's crotch moved back and forth while his left hand unbuckled his belt but it didn't. He fingered and winked and that was enough. There's not much super about the soon to be supercity of Auckland however our four story high fingering winking pedophilic Saint Nick definitely was.Until a few weeks ago! Now he looks like this.
Which because of my crappy photo doesn't look much different however believe me it is. Firstly he doesn't wink or finger anymore. His finger is locked in position as if he's about to make a fist to punch whoever fiddled with him in the nipple. Both eyes remain open constantly like Malcolm McDowell being reconditioned in 'A Clockwork Orange'. All the dodgy, deviant and dubious qualities of Santa have been cut away leaving a beaming jolly giant surrounded by big packages and two reindeer. I'm not sure what I think about our new sanitised Santa however his two caribou are fantastic and below is a photo of another one. This caribou is called Rudolph and is looking depressed because he's just realised he's been painted up to resemble a big brown turd, or a caripooh. This is what I looked like on Saturday night when I MC'ed the 'Christmas at the Zoo' event at the Auckland Zoo funnily enough. It sort of looks like I've just been arrested for lewd rutting and I'm still amazed that parents seem quite happy to let me go near their children when I look like this.
I did this gig last year and made a promise to a small boy half way through that he could have my nose upon completion of my MC duties. I thought he would forget however after I'd fingered the sponsor's nipples there he was waiting at the side of the stage with his little arms outstretched like a tiny person doing the start of 'YMCA'. I had a very nasty cold at the time, as I did this year as well and my nose was full of snot however I couldn't renege on my promise and plopped by moist mucasy nose into his sweaty palm. His eyes lit up and he immediately stuck it on his nose and ran away as if all his Christmases had come at once. I felt happy and dodgy and devious and dubious.When a man in his mid-thirties dressed as a giant pooh makes a small boy happy by giving him his snot soaked nose you know it's Christmas time. Miracles do happen.
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