I've never been to acting school so I don't really know what they teach there. I imagine there would be classes on voice, breathing, maybe some Meisner, a bit of Method and a touch of moving like a tree. I attended the Kay Scrivener School for Speech Singing and Drama from the age of eight and learnt my craft by singing 'Alice Blue Gown' with a bunch of girls. Here's a video of Babs singing it. If you're not familar with the tune I encourage you to watch to the end as it gets quite racy and involves some ingenious fishing wire action and a naughty plump boy.
After watching this video a few times I think the aspiring actor could learn everything there is to know about acting right there and save themselves three years and $30,000 dollars. My big break-through came half way through 'Puff The Magic Dragon' when my voice decided it was sick of oscillating between two notes on the subbass clef and suddenly, for no reason, soared to the treble clef on the chorus. Mrs Scriv immediately made me sing by myself and much to mine and all the other girls surprise, I was now singing higher than them with a cheeky grin to boot. She then made me sing 'Alice Blue Gown' solo just to make sure it wasn't a fluke and I nailed it before encoring with a kick-arse rendition of 'All Packed Up In My Little Bottom Draw' that would have made Gracie Fields proud.
None of this helped me on Thursday January 14th, 2010.
I knew I was in for trouble as the Wicked Witch of the North is one of those directors who like their actors to have their books down by the first rehearsal. 'Book' is a luvvie term for the script. 'Luvvie' is a luvvie term for an actor. I hate learning lines at the best of times however I really really hate learning lines before the scene has been blocked. 'Blocked' is a luvvie term for walking round the stage and putting one foot on a chair occasionally. I'm a reasonably quick study ('study' is a luvvy term for how quick you can remember when your lines are coming up in order to pull faces or think about the crossword while the other actors are saying their lines), however I hate learning lines cold as it involves time and effort. It's much easier to retain lines after the blocking process as you can utilise things like 'flow', 'intention', 'sub-text' and 'mugging'.
I had read through my script numerous times and thought the lines were sitting in the dome however when it came to my first scene my stupid vortex of an anus sucked them into its comedy vacuum and turned me into the worst actor in the world. If I had been directing me I would have fired myself and recast the chair I had my foot on as its performance was less wooden than mine.
All I was trying to do was remember my lines however The Wicked Witch of the North was more interested in getting me to stress the right words, cue up, move with intention and direction, pronouce the nouns, inflect the verbs, do everything better and be less of a cunt.
In one day I was called an 'arsehole', 'bitch', 'fucker' and 'suckhead' as well as being accused of 'Christchurch Acting' later promoted to the even greater sin of 'Australian Acting'. Australian Acting is slightly facing out to the audience all the time when you should be facing the character you're talking to which I didn't even know I did but now I know I do and am too scared to face the audience, even for the curtain-call.
I have also discovered I'm 'tight' and 'stiff' and need to 'open up my groin'. The Wicked Witch of the North is determined to loosen me up by any means and curb my instinct to stop moving at the end of lines which is 'amateur' and 'shit' and 'Christchurch'. Every line I say without being interrupted is a minor achievement and if I had a cent for every line reading I've been given I would be able to buy an iPad.
After nearly three weeks of this I'm beginning to enjoy myself.
We're doing our first full run of the play tomorrow and I'll let you know how it goes.
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