Everybody needs good neighbours.

I will warn you in advance that this post will be a bit blue, as in XXXX rated, as in dealing with issues of intercoursual insertion.

This was meant to be a fascinating insight into all things Australian before I suddenly remembered something that happened to me on a bus the week before fleeing Aotearoa with $8.95 still owing on my TradeMe account. I was on the bus going to a recall for a TV commercial aiming to get you to buy a brand of beer that is the official supplier of alcohol to the rugby players in the 2011 Rugby World Cup. This is the official alcoholic beverage the rugby players will ply you with so they can have their wicked way with you once you've passed out because you were asking for it by happening to be in the same bar as them with your ankles exposed.

As usual the recall was not for the part I originally auditioned for. I auditioned for the role of 'Barman' however I was recalled for the role of 'South African Rugby Supporter'. I've never thought I looked particularly South African however someone did who obviously wasn't the director. The director was an Australian who looked like he was trying to force out an ever increasingly large and painful stool after every take I took. My character was dressed as a Springbok with hooves making it hilariously impossible to pick up my bottle of Arse-eken. This director was from the less is more approach to comedy and the less I did the more he looked like he wanted to shove the prop beer bottle up my arse until I passed out so he could have his wicked way with me. After every take he said something like, "Yeah mate, don't do anything OK mate, the comedy comes from not doing anything mate, just like Woody Allen mate, OK mate, fair struth cobber." I took the note and said 'Mazel Tov' after drinking the beer but to no avail. He last comment was, 'Yeah, that was a bit better I suppose' and I left the room before I could improvise a scene about having my wicked way with my stepdaughter,

I didn't get the part.

However, what made it all worth while was the bus ride there. Sitting behind me was a woman who either hadn't heard of or couldn't afford headphones or buds. She was playing one song on her iPod over and over again as loud as possible and it was interferring with my process of finding my inner South African. I was just about to be very brave and cough loudly in her direction when I realised I was hearing what could possibly be the greatest song I will hear this year. It is sung by this fine fellow.

His name is Tremaine Aldon Neverson but you'll know him better by his stage name, Trey Songz. He's very buff and has obviously worked hard to lose a lot of weight judging by the fit of his pants. You'd think with three albums under his belt he would be able to afford to put another hole in his belt to keep his chubby pants up, but maybe it's his message to all the chubby young people that anyone can end up looking like Trey Songz with a bit of effort. I think that's his set-list tattooed on his left pec just in case he forgets where he's at if his pants fall down.

His albums so far are called 'I Gotta Make It', Trey Day' and 'Ready'. He's got another in the pipeline called 'Passion, Pain & Pleasure' which were the three emotions I felt while listening to 'Neighbors Know My Name'. He sings in a very high choirboyish falsetto voice but don't be fooled, Trey Songz is a sexual dynamo whos pants will fall down faster than you can say 'What sort of name is Aldon?' He won't even need to get you drunk to have his wicked way with you because according to this song as soon as he, "go deep, getting it in", the neighbours will be "knock knock knocking on the wall", due to the fact that Trey is "breakin' our new headboard, headboard." The chorus is even more impressive.

I bet the neighbors know my name
Way you screamin', scratchin', yellin'
Bet the neighbors know my name
They be stressin' while we sexin'.

Absolute genius and it only gets better. Trey then invites you to bite the pillow to muffle your screams of orgasmic delight because, "your body's a problem, they call me the problem solver." The pillow doesn't work though as while he's "bangin' on your body" the neighbours are still "bangin' on the wall" and then at least one neighbour looking for a good nights sleep starts "'bangin' on the door."

Trey then reaches his zenith with what is arguably some of the finest most expressive lyrics put to paper since Lennon and McCartney.

Sometimes she call me Trey, sometimes she say Tremaine
When it's all said and done but the neighbors know my name
Sometimes she call me Trigga cause I make her body bust
They might think my name is 'oh shit', I make her cuss.

If Trey's name was Oh Shit, his name would be Oh Shit Songz which from a marketing perspective isn't at all helpful so let's hope not many of his neighbours reach that conclusion. This song has six songwriters, they are listed as Hayes, Patrick; Neverson, Tremaine; Taylor, Troy. I have a feeling Trey may have credited himself twice or another family member has pitched in which is just creepy. He's also had hits with 'LOL Smiley Face' and 'I Invented Sex' and who am I to argue with that bold assertion after listening to 'Neighbors' on loop for 20 minutes. He's an actor as well apparently and appeared as himself in a show called 'When I Was 17', an interview like show where Trey talks about what he did when he was 17.

Thank you mysterious lady on the bus for introducing me to the songs of Trey Songz. I am in awe of Trey Songz. I want to be Trey Songz. I am going out to buy some chubby jeans right now.