7PM Projectile Vomit

I haven't been watching much TV lately. Not since the TV blew up. It was a very old Philips cathode ray model and passed away during an episode of Antiques Roadshow which was ironic...don't you think? Paul Atterbury was just about to tell some dour old woman the value of her Royal Doulton when a shroom of acrid smoke shot out the top. It starting singing 'Daisy', whispered "It's time to die" and threw itself out the window in true rock and roll style.

We'd had many good times together and even though it weighed a ton it made the journey across the Tasman. I still remember the mover's shocked expression when I told him to bubble wrap my 32 inch behemoth and carry it carefully down the stairs. He asked me why I was taking it and I told him his boss said it wouldn't cost any extra to include in the shipment. How I laughed as he sweated and grunted over a piece of junk I'd be lucky to get $10 for on TradeMe. The bubble wrap probably cost more then the television. I even made him bubble wrap the remote. Good times.

Surprisingly I didn't miss the TV at all. The cat missed the TV because it loved to sit on top of it and chatter at brazen Aussie birds on the window ledge pecking at the glass.

Brazen Aussie Bird

For the sake of the cat I denied myself the pleasure of purchasing a Beovision 4-103 and searched for a cathode ray-placement of similar size and height. Imagine my delight when I found a fellow apartment dweller had left a TEAC CT-M515 outside their door with a scrap of paper on top proclaiming it was 'FREE!' If I was remotely religious I would have called it a miracle. It was exactly the same height and was both wider and deeper allowing more room for puss to sit, shed and swipe. It was heavy as all hell but luckily Heroic Faun Number 3 happened to be there and we skipped with it down the hallway as if we were two fauns stealing the White Witch's television for Aslan so he could throw it out the window of Cair Paravel at the very moment Edmund is walking past because he's still pissed about the whole stone table thing.

Last night I came across a show called 'The 7PM Project' and wanted to throw my new old television out the window at the very moment whoever created 'The 7PM Project' was walking past.

It's an infotainment show. Infotainment is a portmanteau. A portmanteau is a blend of two or more words and their meanings into a new word. Other portmanteaus that came to mind last night were drivelicious, rubbishit and bollococks. It's presented by four people. I didn't know who any of them were but they were all very good looking. Let's call them Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa and Po.

The presenters of The 7PM Project

I tuned in during one of the entertainment segments. I knew it was entertaining because after every hilarious utterance there was a burst of canned laughter. They were all hilariously discussing some study that discovered the average woman hilariously spends $50,000 during her lifetime on her hair.

Tinky Winky: Wow, I'd never spend $50,000 on my hair.
Po: I bet you do!
Laugh.
Laa-Laa: I spend that much in one year.
Longer laugh.
Po: I bet you do!
Even longer laugh.
Dipsy: I spend more than that and I'm a man!
Hysterical laughter.
Po: I bet you do!
Longer hysterical laughter.
Dipsy: This hair doesn't look this good for free!
Even longer hysterical laughter.
Po: I bet you do!
Audience explode.

This went on like this until they'd exhausted all the 'tainment' and it was time to start the 'info' again. And not just any info, they were going to tackle something serious because The 7PM Project is, "not afraid to be serious" and is an "earthy, real and fun approach to discussing the news of the day...offering genuine conversation in a space previously crowded by scandal and spin."

The switch was staggering in it's speed and efficiency. All smiles were sucked into cheeks and they 'Blue Steeled', 'Le Tigred' and 'Ferraried' right down the barrel. Po 'Magnumed'. Like beautiful young surgeons it was time to "dissect, digest and reconstitute" the top story of the day.

The presenters of The 7PM Project (except William Baldwin)

I think this means that if for example the news story was 'fireman rescues cat from tree' they would dissect it...'fireman', 'cat', 'tree', 'rescue', eat it, 'nom nom nom' and then re-structure the story, 'fireman gets it up for pussy'.

They all interviewed a witness to the sinking of a boat holding up to 100 asylum seekers off Christmas Island. Each of them had one question and they delivered it straight down the barrel as if they were interviewing or seducing you. This witness was on the phone so they all looked down the mouthpiece of a phone as well.

Keifer: "How did it feel when you first saw all those people drowning in the water?"
Silence.
Kevin: "How did it feel when you tried to help all those people drowning in the water?"
Longer silence.
Julia: "How did it feel when you knew you couldn't help all those people drowning in the water?"
Even longer silence.
William Baldwin: "I bet you do!"
Audience explode.

Then they reconstituted.

Keifer: "I will be interesting to see if this gets politicised."
Thinking.
Kevin: "It probably will get politicised."
Longer thinking.
Julia: "I hope it doesn't get politicised."
Even longer thinking.
William Baldwin: "I bet you do!"
Audience explode.

Then they went straight into an interview with Zach Levi and Mandy Moore, the stars of 'Tangled', Disney's new animated take on Rapunzel.

One of the comic co-hosts of the show is a gentleman called Dave Hughes. “I already come home, flick on the TV and yell at the news," says Dave. "The 7PM Project has given me a chance to make a living out of one of my favourite pastimes.”

I don't know what I was yelling at but it certainly wasn't news. News would have told me that so far 28 desperate people looking for a better life, many of whom were children, were drowned or dashed against the rocks of the land they gave all their money to criminals to reach. To reduce this tragic event to a facile interview bookended by a piece of fluff and a movie commercial is not infotainment. It's just horrifically shit and condescending television.

Anyone want a free TEAC?