Christchurch II

I think most people have come to terms with the fact that Christchurch is munted. Bob Parker has told us so on numerous occasions and now you can even buy the t-shirt.

Bob also spoke of the roads being "ripped to buggery" and the CBD being a "flaming mess" so all in all Christchurch, according to Bob, is 'a munted mess of ripped flaming buggery', which is probably a better tagline than 'The Garden City'

Now that's been cleared up thoughts turn to Christchurch's future and whether it has one. Christchurch has a lot going for it, some of which I blogged about back in September 2009. What Christchurch doesn't have going for it is that it's built on a big old swamp and a big old fault line that nobody knew about prior to September 4th 2010. Since the devastating aftershock a few weeks ago there has been a lot of talk about how or whether the city should be rebuilt. Some have suggested shifting the CBD to Hagley Park. I think this would mean the Christchurch Botanic Gardens Cafe is the new Cathedral...

The Cathedral

..and Victoria Lake is the new Christchurch Casino.

Goose waiting to play some craps.

Although the Casino is a definite improvement this idea is daft because Hagley Park is the only venue big enough to accommodate The Feelers.

 'A Munted Mess of Ripped Flaming Buggery' in Hagley Park

So, what is to be done? Here in no particular order are some suggestions for rebuilding Christchurch.

1. Have a chat to somebody at The Buchan Group and Holmes Consulting. They designed and engineered The Christchurch Art Gallery which has turned out to be Christchurch's black box. One whole wall of this building is made of glass and not a pane has fallen. It's also quite beautiful.

2. Rebuild the spire of The Cathedral with the same steel and glass construction used on the front of the Art Gallery. Flood it with light at night and let it be a beacon in the heart of the city. Imagine being a first time visitor to Christchurch and seeing that out of your plane window. Imagine returning home to your city and seeing that out of your plane window. If it is structurally and acoustically feasible hang the bells inside so everyone can hear and see them ringing. Use the bricks from the fallen spire to build a memorial in the Square to all those lost in the quake.

3. Don't form a committee. Even the word committee reeks of unnecessary excess, all those extra m's and t's and e's. Unnecessary reeks of excess unnecessariness as well. Committees are just ways for lots of unimportant people to feel important about spoiling the broth. Everyone puts their two cents worth in until there's enough to buy a solution from the $2 shop. When I was head of the school council at Casebrook Intermediate we formed a committee to run a competition to design a new mascot and then I lost all the entries and Casebrook Intermediate still hasn't got a school mascot. All the entries were absolute rubbish but that's not the point. We should have just gone with my idea to have someone dress up as a big apple because the school was originally an orchard.

4. Call Frank Gehry. He designed this.

Don't quote me but I think Frank Gehry entered the competition to design Te Papa. I can only assume someone on the 'Design Te Papa Competition Committee' lost all the entries because we ended up with this.

An Imax and a prison linked by an aqua 'W' cause it's in Wellington.

5. Listen closely to Gerry Brownlee and then do the exact opposite of what he says.

Popular ventriloquist Gerry Brownlee with his dummy Don.