iMoan

Technological advancement can be measured by the thickness of gadgets. If we ever discover life on other planets our first words should be ‘Show me your phone’ rather than ‘Take me to your leader.’ If alien leaders are anything like the leaders here on Earth they would be the last people you’d want to meet anyway, unless you liked being bored, water boarded or having tentacles shoved up your jacksie at a zero-g  bunga bunga party.

Technological advancement is all about getting thinner, lighter and faster and Earth’s distributer of alien technology Apple know this well. I got an email from them yesterday to say *iPad2 is here and that it’s thinner, it’s lighter, it’s faster and just in case I’d forgotten since reading the subject line, it's here. Then, just in case I got a bit too excited by thinking that it was thinner, lighter and faster than a well made paper plane, or a whippet, or air, the email told me that iPad2 is only thinner, lighter and faster than the previous iPad.

I don’t have an iPad2. I don’t have an iPad1. I only have an iPhone 3G which is thin, light and really really really fucking slow. It is excruciatingly, bone crushingly, wife-beatingly, child thrashingly, animal crueltyingly slow. My iPhone 3G makes me want to cut myself in a hairy place so I can put a very sticky plaster on to pull off slowly over the rest of my life.

I know Steve Jobs doesn’t want me to use my iPhone 3G anymore because Apple has stopped releasing software updates for it. I don’t have a problem with this at all. In fact I wished they had stopped releasing software updates for my phone when they got to 3.2.1.

iOS 3.2.1 Phone worked fine.

iOS 4.0 Phone rooted.

Apple even promised to address my 3G issues with update 4.1 but all that seemed to do was let me transmit my Nike shoe size over Wi-Fi and Ping, whatever the hell that is. Some people told me to turn off my Spotlight search which I had to search like buggery to find but that did nothing. Others said to try a hard forced reset that involved depressing the button on the top and the front simultaneously for 9.7 seconds while pelvic thrusting, rubbing your head and patting the cat until a white apple appeared to signify the phone had surrendered. After trying this repeatedly with no noticeable improvement I realised that this was just Applespeak for, ‘Switch it off and on.’

What makes the whole debacle even more galling is it’s virtually impossible to go back to 3.2.1 Contact. (Probably one of the best TV themes ever.) The process is termed ‘jail-breaking’ which indicates how tricky it is. An uber-geek could pull it off but now they’ve all got iPhone 5s and only use iPhone 3G’s as vibrating butt plugs.

Some of you may have seen this bit of brilliance. Trust me, the iPhone3G in that video is like a Lamborghini to my Lada. When I wake up now the first thing I do is press the Messages icon just in case I want to text someone at lunchtime. Angry Birds makes me angry, Flight Control makes me lose control and SmackTalk makes me want to take smack. Google maps doesn't even bother trying to open anymore.

Still, can't be long before the iPhone 5 is released and that'll be wicked.

*The ‘the’ or an ‘an’ or any article before an iDevice is severely frowned upon by Appleytes. If you make the mistake of asking ‘Do you have the iPad2?’ they will frown and sigh and reply condescendingly, ‘Yes, I have iPad2…do you?’ The only way to regain their respect is to reply, ‘Yes, I do have iPad2 too. Let’s FaceTime sometime.  Hey, nice Smart Cover. LOL!’