I’m writing this from the Melbourne City Dry Cleaners and Self-Service Laundromat, 244 Russell Street…again. I didn’t expect to be back but the washing machine I so proudly installed and pampered with a new hose from Bunnings exploded mid wash and released a plume of acrid fumata nera to announce it wasn't sure who the new Pope was. It wasn’t a surprise. For months it had been stopping mid-cycle and refusing to rinse or spin. Like an angry washing jockey who thinks of nothing but getting his clothes drying over the finishing line I had to viciously whip its lid up and down repeatedly to make it perform.
Those who know me know I’m not an angry man. It’s hard to press my buttons because I don’t own an ironing board. As far as I can remember the only time I truly lost it was three years ago at the Dunedin Fringe Festival when I hurled my flyers in disgust because the feckin Irish fiddler before us kept going over time…the same feckin Irish fiddler who the Herald Sun gave four feckin stars to yesterday. He’s still doing the same show he did in Dunedin so I pity the poor fool on after him. He also said I had skinny legs, which is true, but not something a tardy Irish fiddler should be pointing out while I'm picking up my flyers.
The one thing guaranteed to make me angry is when my machines go bung. When they go bung when I'm skint I get very angry. Right now I’m brassic and besieged by bungness. My iPhone is bung. My washing machine is bung. My Brother HL-2040 laser printer is bung. At the moment everything I touch blows up or shits itself. If I was a suicide bomber or pooh whisperer this wouldn’t be a bad thing but I’m not and it is and now I’m in a laundromat typing a document I can’t print.
Like the washing machine the printer has at least been kind enough to go bung gradually. My pages had started to go all Jackson Pollocky but the text was still readable. For a while it was quite exciting to see what abstract arrangement of toner splatter each page would reveal until it went all Mark Rothco.
It was a very cheap printer; I think it cost me about $120. I thought this was a bargain until I found out the toner cartridge TN-2025 for the HL-2040 costs more than the feckin printer. You know the toner cartridge needs replacing because the Brother printer helpfully flashes a red light at you and refuses to print until you go and get dicked at Dick Smith. Lord help you if the drum light starts flashing. Then you need to buy a DR-2025 drum unit which will set you back the better part of $250. And there's no way of knowing if you have really run out of toner or if Big Brother has programmed your printer to fake it so the Brother CEO can buy a Mark Rothco. Well, that was before the internet. I googled and found this. I had not run out of toner. All I had to do was put a bit of tape over the hole on the side of the toner cartridge and suddenly I had black gold and toner tea gushing all over my reams. My printer had been lying to me. I was being diddled by my own device. And it wasn’t just a smidge more toner left. The printer said I was out of toner in March last year and I’m still using the same toner cartridge! That's 13 months of bonus toner. I’ve got a toner tardis sitting in my printer now because I covered up its little hole so the printer couldn’t spy on it.
However my Rothco problem obviously wasn't a lack of toner. Since I'd covered it's diddle hole the printer was keeping stum on what might be up. I went to the Brother Solutions Centre and received the dreadful news that my only remedy was to splash out on a DR-2025. Then I found another site telling me to wear a mask, turn the lights down low and treat my drum with alcohol, paper towels and a cotton tipped swab. I wasn't interested in having sex with my printer drum so just gave it a good blow and a brush and what do you know, right as rain.
People all over the world are spending hundreds of dollars unnecessarily. Now I know why printer companies encourage you to place your ‘used’ toner cartridges in recycling boxes. They recycle them by selling them again. My printer still isn't quite right though. It keeps flashing its light for paper jam when there's no paper jammed but I can override that by viciously whipping its front panel out and in repeatedly to make it perform.
I will stop now because I smell smoke.
Those who know me know I’m not an angry man. It’s hard to press my buttons because I don’t own an ironing board. As far as I can remember the only time I truly lost it was three years ago at the Dunedin Fringe Festival when I hurled my flyers in disgust because the feckin Irish fiddler before us kept going over time…the same feckin Irish fiddler who the Herald Sun gave four feckin stars to yesterday. He’s still doing the same show he did in Dunedin so I pity the poor fool on after him. He also said I had skinny legs, which is true, but not something a tardy Irish fiddler should be pointing out while I'm picking up my flyers.
The one thing guaranteed to make me angry is when my machines go bung. When they go bung when I'm skint I get very angry. Right now I’m brassic and besieged by bungness. My iPhone is bung. My washing machine is bung. My Brother HL-2040 laser printer is bung. At the moment everything I touch blows up or shits itself. If I was a suicide bomber or pooh whisperer this wouldn’t be a bad thing but I’m not and it is and now I’m in a laundromat typing a document I can’t print.
Like the washing machine the printer has at least been kind enough to go bung gradually. My pages had started to go all Jackson Pollocky but the text was still readable. For a while it was quite exciting to see what abstract arrangement of toner splatter each page would reveal until it went all Mark Rothco.
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| Mark Rothco/Brother HL-2040 No. 7 |
However my Rothco problem obviously wasn't a lack of toner. Since I'd covered it's diddle hole the printer was keeping stum on what might be up. I went to the Brother Solutions Centre and received the dreadful news that my only remedy was to splash out on a DR-2025. Then I found another site telling me to wear a mask, turn the lights down low and treat my drum with alcohol, paper towels and a cotton tipped swab. I wasn't interested in having sex with my printer drum so just gave it a good blow and a brush and what do you know, right as rain.
People all over the world are spending hundreds of dollars unnecessarily. Now I know why printer companies encourage you to place your ‘used’ toner cartridges in recycling boxes. They recycle them by selling them again. My printer still isn't quite right though. It keeps flashing its light for paper jam when there's no paper jammed but I can override that by viciously whipping its front panel out and in repeatedly to make it perform.
I will stop now because I smell smoke.
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