Cucumis Sativus

I'm sure you will all be pleased to know I made my Melbourne theatre debut last week and yes, I was entertaining children. Thankfully I wasn't dressed like this.

Thanks to Phineas Phrog Productions for permission to use this even though I haven't asked them.

I've always wanted to write an educational children's show that rips of Disney's 'Never Smile at a Crocodile' called 'Never Smile At A Paedophile' and this photo would be perfect for the poster. I would also be ripping off my friend Jared's idea but after my Simon Sweetman experience, in the ripped off words of Roger Whittaker, I don't believe in IP anymore.

This was taken at my final Halloween appearance as MC for 'Boo At The Zoo!' Auckland Zoo is very progressive and has created a whole raft of events that rhyme with zoo, including 'Woo At The Zoo!', for Valentines Day, 'Jew At The Zoo!' for Hannukkah and my favourite 'Hugh At The Zoo!', where every June 27th a Hugh Grant impersonator asks zoo visitors for blowies in the carpark. I think my character in this photo was a Glampire but as you can plainly see, I look more like a scary old paedophile or Gary Glitter. I just hope I didn't mentally scar and feather those two young boys too severely. Anyway, I'm not to blame. That woman in the background booked me for the gig and organised the whole thing. I think she may have organised the costume as well. If you want to see a really scary costume that I organised for myself have a look at this...

Can you guess who I'm meant to be? No you can't because your eyes are bleeding. There is so much wrong with this picture you could probably film people looking it at for the first time and put them on the YouTubes. I made the fateful mistake of not trying on a costume before a gig. It's commonly known that everyone fits a dog costume but not everyone fits a white lycra spandex unitard designed to be worn by an extremely skinny girl. Can you work out who I am yet or are you busy clawing at yourself in the foetal position? Of course, I'm Freddie Mercury. It's obvious isn't it. The moustache, the cape, the half a cucumber wrapped in gladwrap because I'd forgotten to hire a microphone. The moment I put the costume on I knew everything was in the wrong place and no matter how much I tugged and pulled I might as well have been a slow-mo-promo-girl in white body paint...you could see everything! Everything! There were young children at this party and as I shamefully strutted with my cucumber and lip-synced to Bohemian Rhapsody, I could see the hands of their mothers shielding their children's eyes as their own eyes and mouths expanded in unqualified horror. Thankfully I wasn't being paid a cent to thrust my meat and half cumcumber round willy nilly, I was doing it as a favour for my friend Sue, so luckily Sue couldn't sue me for metal anguish or causing her party guests to choke on their own vomit. So remember, never, never shake a cucumber. And always try on your costume before you get to the gig.

I didn't have a costume for my Melbourne debut, I got to wear my own suit so it fitted perfectly. Here I am...

Photo - Hilary Walker

I can't remember what I was doing in this shot, either teaching the children about obtuse angles or pretending to be Jesus. It was lots of fun and I got to work with lovely people who have their own Wikipedia pages like my dear friend Cal Wilson, Scott Brennan, Emily Taheny and Mike McLeish.I even got to perform in the Famous Spiegeltent that Marlene Dietrich sang 'Falling In Love Again' in during the 1930's. Here's a lovely photo of Marlene in what looks like a white lycra spandex unitard and cape.

I will stop here as this photo has given me a great idea for a late night German one man cabaret fringe show called 'Verstecken Sie die Gurke!'