I watched my first episode of the new season of Australian Masterchef last night. I spent an hour of my life watching two teams spend a whole night of their lives baking bread and I loved every doughy minute of it. Who would ever have guessed that watching people bake bread could be so riveting? Imagine the balls you'd have needed to pitch this show to a phalanx of TV executives all looking for the next Laverne & Shirley or BJ & The Bear.
"So, what happens in this episode?"
"Two teams bake bread and then some people eat the bread and decide which bread they like best."
"Is there a monkey in it?"
"No."
"Could there be a monkey in it?"
"No."
"Does it have a catchy theme song?"
"Not really."
"So, what's interesting about it?"
"What if one team puts their dough in upside down and then they have to put them back up the right way?"
"Yeah...that's getting interesting."
"And what if one team uses left-over dough instead of pre-fermented dough?"
"Wow, that could cause all sorts of problems!"
"And then the team that made all the mistakes ends up winning the competition!"
"We're sold...as long as there's a monkey in it."
"Would a big guy in a cravat do?"
"Yep."
I was riveted to the last season of Masterchef as well but now I can't remember anything about it, except that the guy who didn't win it was 8 years old and one of the top five is still on TV trying to convince me that Pizza Hutt pizzas are the bomb. Speaking of bombs my favourite bit of last night's episode was when George Calombaris or Basil Brush screamed, 'Boom Boom, bake the room!' as all the contestants baked...in a room. As an improviser I know you can't write gold like that, it just comes out in the moment, like diarrhea or jism.
I'm constantly in awe of the creators and makers of these reality shows. How they can make an activity as Anthony Mundine as baking bread even remotely interesting is beyond me. The quick walking always helps. It must take weeks of training to get those contestants to all walk really quickly for a few seconds and then slow down to normal speed at the exact same time. What if one kept quick walking right into the oven and ended up as a ciabatta? That would be fabulous TV but you know it's never going to happen because then it would be obvious which team would lose.
"I liked the blue team's ciabatta more than the reds."
"Why?"
"It didn't have a corpse in it."
"Boom boom, let's bake the tomb!"
They also structure the show so that not only does the episode end on a cliff-hanger, there's also a cliff-hanger before every ad break. Even the ad-breaks are cliff-hangers as people in the show try to get you to buy stuff used in the show. Will the handee towel stop the egg from dripping on Matt Preston? Can the pretty blonde man cook a meal for everyone in the world for less than $10? Will those things you put in your vagina really stop LBL? Then they repeat the cliff-hanger after the ad-break just to keep you hanging a little longer. When they finally tell you whose buns were better the release is life-changing...like diarrhea or jism.
Of the top of my head I have watched reality shows where people compete to be the best at:
staying in a house
staying on an island
staying on an island and not rooting anyone
finding Phil Keoghan
renovating a house
doing the garden
dancing
singing
dancing and singing
dancing and singing like Michael Hutchence
cooking
not eating
making clothes
wearing clothes
making a rich single man fall in love with you
making a farmer fall in love you
making a transexual fall in love with you
making Flavour Flav fall in love with you
making Mark Philippoussis fall in love with you
making Donald Trump fall in love with you
grooming a dog
grooming Donald Trump
I'm sure there's many more. Just as 80's TV shows like Different Strokes, Hello Larry & The Facts of Life used to merge together when ratings declined, there is no reason why reality shows can't resort to the same ploy. All the overweight people from Biggest Loser could be forced to eat what the contestants on Masterchef have cooked and then the one who's gained the most weight could fire the chef who cooked for them before they get eliminated themselves. Or the one who gained the least weight could make another player eat all the bread baked by the red team including the ciabatta with the corpse in it. Or Phil Keoghan could stand in the middle of the Project Runway runway as a roadblock and the models have to work out how to get round him before Flavour Flav catches up and roots them on Donald Trump's tropical island. The possibilities are limitless.
Tonight I will find out which chef has been eliminated which means there's only 24 chefs left! At this rate we should know who's won just before the sun goes red giant and envelops the Earth in its firey gases.
I'm also hoping to find out what LBL is.
"So, what happens in this episode?"
"Two teams bake bread and then some people eat the bread and decide which bread they like best."
"Is there a monkey in it?"
"No."
"Could there be a monkey in it?"
"No."
"Does it have a catchy theme song?"
"Not really."
"So, what's interesting about it?"
"What if one team puts their dough in upside down and then they have to put them back up the right way?"
"Yeah...that's getting interesting."
"And what if one team uses left-over dough instead of pre-fermented dough?"
"Wow, that could cause all sorts of problems!"
"And then the team that made all the mistakes ends up winning the competition!"
"We're sold...as long as there's a monkey in it."
"Would a big guy in a cravat do?"
"Yep."
I was riveted to the last season of Masterchef as well but now I can't remember anything about it, except that the guy who didn't win it was 8 years old and one of the top five is still on TV trying to convince me that Pizza Hutt pizzas are the bomb. Speaking of bombs my favourite bit of last night's episode was when George Calombaris or Basil Brush screamed, 'Boom Boom, bake the room!' as all the contestants baked...in a room. As an improviser I know you can't write gold like that, it just comes out in the moment, like diarrhea or jism.
I'm constantly in awe of the creators and makers of these reality shows. How they can make an activity as Anthony Mundine as baking bread even remotely interesting is beyond me. The quick walking always helps. It must take weeks of training to get those contestants to all walk really quickly for a few seconds and then slow down to normal speed at the exact same time. What if one kept quick walking right into the oven and ended up as a ciabatta? That would be fabulous TV but you know it's never going to happen because then it would be obvious which team would lose.
"I liked the blue team's ciabatta more than the reds."
"Why?"
"It didn't have a corpse in it."
"Boom boom, let's bake the tomb!"
They also structure the show so that not only does the episode end on a cliff-hanger, there's also a cliff-hanger before every ad break. Even the ad-breaks are cliff-hangers as people in the show try to get you to buy stuff used in the show. Will the handee towel stop the egg from dripping on Matt Preston? Can the pretty blonde man cook a meal for everyone in the world for less than $10? Will those things you put in your vagina really stop LBL? Then they repeat the cliff-hanger after the ad-break just to keep you hanging a little longer. When they finally tell you whose buns were better the release is life-changing...like diarrhea or jism.
Of the top of my head I have watched reality shows where people compete to be the best at:
staying in a house
staying on an island
staying on an island and not rooting anyone
finding Phil Keoghan
renovating a house
doing the garden
dancing
singing
dancing and singing
dancing and singing like Michael Hutchence
cooking
not eating
making clothes
wearing clothes
making a rich single man fall in love with you
making a farmer fall in love you
making a transexual fall in love with you
making Flavour Flav fall in love with you
making Mark Philippoussis fall in love with you
making Donald Trump fall in love with you
grooming a dog
grooming Donald Trump
I'm sure there's many more. Just as 80's TV shows like Different Strokes, Hello Larry & The Facts of Life used to merge together when ratings declined, there is no reason why reality shows can't resort to the same ploy. All the overweight people from Biggest Loser could be forced to eat what the contestants on Masterchef have cooked and then the one who's gained the most weight could fire the chef who cooked for them before they get eliminated themselves. Or the one who gained the least weight could make another player eat all the bread baked by the red team including the ciabatta with the corpse in it. Or Phil Keoghan could stand in the middle of the Project Runway runway as a roadblock and the models have to work out how to get round him before Flavour Flav catches up and roots them on Donald Trump's tropical island. The possibilities are limitless.
Tonight I will find out which chef has been eliminated which means there's only 24 chefs left! At this rate we should know who's won just before the sun goes red giant and envelops the Earth in its firey gases.
I'm also hoping to find out what LBL is.
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