Dennis Hopper On Top

I walked down Spencer Street with a heavy heart and a light head for it was washing day and I had nothing to blog about. As I weaved my way among red and black ensconced Essendon supporters I was approached by a man who looked uncannily like a half-cut homeless version of Dennis Hopper and considering Dennis Hopper often looked half-cut and homeless  he looked uncannily like Dennis Hopper.

I’m usually pretty good at avoiding unwanted street intercourse with junkies, zealots and backpackers bearing clipboards but my brief befuddlement at looking at Dennis Hopper looking at me looking at him gave me no time to pretend to be very interested in something on the other side of the street.

“Hey mate, you don’t know where the Toff of The Town is do ya mate?”

My pulse raced and I almost bounced with joy. Yes! Yes, I did know where the Toff of the Town* was. I’d been there a couple of times for drinks and now I was in a position to tell a real fair dinkum Aussie who looked remarkably like the star of Easy Rider where to go for the very first time.

“The Toff of the Town is on Swanston Street, just above a Thai restaurant called Cookie. Head down Collins and when you get to…”
“Nah, nah mate, it’s a brothel.”

This threw me for a second but I was sure of my facts and hammered my point home.

The Three Golliwogs by Glud Button

“No, Cookie's a Thai restaurant, I’ve been there before.”
“Nah mate, it’s a brothel. Top Of The Town. I’m meeting an old friend there.”

I took a cautious step back and considered my options cautiously. My dream of guiding a local had been shattered and was in danger of turning into an episode of Seinfeld. He’d never said Toff, my foolish over eager ears in their eagerness to assist had simply heard the word they wanted, just the way I’d always misheard the opening lines to Blue Monday as, ‘I see a ship in the harbor, hiking in a shallow bay’** and the way my eyes had until their early teens thought the author of The Famous Five books was Glud Button.

Dennis Hopper continued.

“I haven’t seen him 15 years. Can’t wait to catch up with him.”
“Sorry, I thought you were talking about a bar…I don’t know where a brothel is…good luck though… sorry I can’t be more help.”
“No worries mate, I’ll find it, can’t be far away.”

And it wasn’t.  At The Top of the Town brothel is located at 516-518 Flinders Street and features a ‘discrete rear entrance for your peace of mind.’ Their website is rather flash. You can enter a fortnightly competition to win a free stay with the lady of your choice and if you say the codeword ‘Year of The Golden Shower Rabbit’ at reception you receive a $30 discount on Friday and Saturday night. They have a blog as well to convey their outrage at cruelty to bears in Pakistan, India and China, although they seem particularly incensed with the Chinese because, ‘It is disgusting that bears are treated in this manner especially when the Chinese love Panda Bears.’

Who the hell catches up with a long lost friend at a brothel? Perhaps one of them liked BBQ and the other suggested a spit-roast and then it all got out of hand. And why did he ask me where the brothel was? Why didn't he ask the Essendon supporters? Do I look like a man who would know where a brothel was or was he just hoping he’d get lucky? What do men who frequent brothels look like? Like bloody me according to Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper took one look at me and assumed I was a brothel creeping brothelite.

I admit I did used to own a pair of brothel creepers but I only wore them in character with a door knob round my neck while doing soul destroying murder mysteries. In fact performing at murder mystery dinner theatre was not dissimilar to working at a brothel, staggering home with my arse rendered red and raw by the pinches of countless drunken 50 year old women and the occasional homophobic man when I was dressed as a woman. The hourly ‘ladies fee’ at The Top of The Town is $120 and for three hours of murder mystery dinner theatre I would get around $350 and some leftover meat and two veg if I was lucky… so I suppose I came out on top and shouldn’t complain.
*Yes, it's not even called the Toff Of The Town, it's actually The Toff in Town...but it's definitely not a brothel.
** The real words are 'I see a ship in the harbour, I can and shall obey.'