I'm sure you'll all be ecstatic to know the ancient dentists enjoyed our performance and even clacked along with our very heterosexual Village People medley to finish. Their ancientness had been oversold and some of them were under 60 and positively spritely so all in all, the show was enjoyed by all.
It was nice to be back in Auckland and catch a glimpse of party central being constructed for the Rugby World Cup. If you want to know what a party central looks like, it looks like this.
It's been nick-named 'The Cloud', 'The Tongue' or 'The Land of the Long White Condom Ribbed For Her Pleasure' and will play host to a finger-licking line up NZ musical talent, including Opshop, The Black Seeds, Katchafire, Greg Johnson and everyone's favourite party central party starters, The Feelers. Sigh. Oh my. Cry.
Regular readers will know all too well that The Feelers are my nemesis but after last weekend's performances in Warrnambool I have found another nemesis so now I have have two two nemesisesesisssessssssssss.....my precious. The best part of the weekend was doing an evening show with fantastic lovely actors in a place called Port Fairy, where sperm whales go to have sex while whale watchers masturbate furiously. We performed in a delightful little run down theatre and even better I found a copy of a script in the men's dressing room called, 'The World Bra Unclipping Championships At Garimba' that will be perfect for the premier production of my soon to be established Running Around In A Circle with No Pants On Theatre Company. I shall be holding auditions very soon so let me know if you're interested. Members of NZ Actors Equity will not be welcome, you must supply your own bra and sign a confidentially agreement on the casting couch before you leave. I do promise to warm my hands up though.
On Sunday we were scheduled to do two improvised musicals for children and flung open the doors to our tent expecting hundreds of eager happy little faces to be gazing adoringly up at us like deaf little people with glass eyes at a Jack Johnson concert. Jack is also a nemesis so now I have three nemesisesisessssisssssssses. There were no children. There were no adults. There was nobody there except for an old bewildered volunteer usher who looked like she had stepped straight out of the volunteer room at Auckland Zoo while I struggled into my Paddlepop Lion Costume. We were all bewildered as well until the old lady croaked 'Justice Crew' and disappeared into a cloud of helpful ancient lady dust.
Who were the Justice Crew? What is the Justice Crew? What had they done with our audience? Suddenly a deep bass rumble (approximately 68 hertz....I've done an audio engineering diploma) began to pulse and its submarine frequencies shook all our woofers to the bone. Doof...doof...doof....doof....thousands of children began screaming as if they were in the Koru Club and I was drawn irresistibly towards the music like a Germanic rat. I pulled back the piece of thin red fabric designed to baffle the doof from our tent and saw this...
Outrageous! Not only have half of them forgotten to put shirts on, three look like they are about to run in circles after their pants fall down. Those two at the front could be completely starkers. And this was classed as children's entertainment! The Justice Crew are a hip hop dance and pop music group from Sydney who won $250,000 on Australia's Got Talent last year but it looks like they spent all their money on colossal woofers rather than shirts and belts...just like Trey Songz....another nemesisesissessisseessieissieeisississmississippi. We were down to do two shows and the bloody Justice Crew were doing their shirtless hip hop circle dancing right when we were meant to be improvising stories about magical porridge while creating a train out of a bit of fabric and a red bucket. It was an unwinnable battle and every one of their low frequency doofs was like a punch to the heart.
For the second show I stood outside and tried to lure the children in. I got so desperate I lied to a group of four boys that I was a member of the Justice Crew and took my shirt off and dropped my pants but they just laughed at my milky feminine legs and insulted me with street-wise hand gestures I can never understand. As I stood there shirtless with my pants around my ankles in the middle of a children's festival I felt so alone and ran round in a circle crying at the injustice of it all.
It was nice to be back in Auckland and catch a glimpse of party central being constructed for the Rugby World Cup. If you want to know what a party central looks like, it looks like this.
Regular readers will know all too well that The Feelers are my nemesis but after last weekend's performances in Warrnambool I have found another nemesis so now I have have two two nemesisesesisssessssssssss.....my precious. The best part of the weekend was doing an evening show with fantastic lovely actors in a place called Port Fairy, where sperm whales go to have sex while whale watchers masturbate furiously. We performed in a delightful little run down theatre and even better I found a copy of a script in the men's dressing room called, 'The World Bra Unclipping Championships At Garimba' that will be perfect for the premier production of my soon to be established Running Around In A Circle with No Pants On Theatre Company. I shall be holding auditions very soon so let me know if you're interested. Members of NZ Actors Equity will not be welcome, you must supply your own bra and sign a confidentially agreement on the casting couch before you leave. I do promise to warm my hands up though.
On Sunday we were scheduled to do two improvised musicals for children and flung open the doors to our tent expecting hundreds of eager happy little faces to be gazing adoringly up at us like deaf little people with glass eyes at a Jack Johnson concert. Jack is also a nemesis so now I have three nemesisesisessssisssssssses. There were no children. There were no adults. There was nobody there except for an old bewildered volunteer usher who looked like she had stepped straight out of the volunteer room at Auckland Zoo while I struggled into my Paddlepop Lion Costume. We were all bewildered as well until the old lady croaked 'Justice Crew' and disappeared into a cloud of helpful ancient lady dust.
Who were the Justice Crew? What is the Justice Crew? What had they done with our audience? Suddenly a deep bass rumble (approximately 68 hertz....I've done an audio engineering diploma) began to pulse and its submarine frequencies shook all our woofers to the bone. Doof...doof...doof....doof....thousands of children began screaming as if they were in the Koru Club and I was drawn irresistibly towards the music like a Germanic rat. I pulled back the piece of thin red fabric designed to baffle the doof from our tent and saw this...
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| The Justice Crew |
For the second show I stood outside and tried to lure the children in. I got so desperate I lied to a group of four boys that I was a member of the Justice Crew and took my shirt off and dropped my pants but they just laughed at my milky feminine legs and insulted me with street-wise hand gestures I can never understand. As I stood there shirtless with my pants around my ankles in the middle of a children's festival I felt so alone and ran round in a circle crying at the injustice of it all.
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