Two Dicks Talking and a Microphone

John Key is a dick. He's worth about $50 million so he's obviously a clever dick, but he's still a dick.

It's not nice or clever to call someone a dick but I can't help myself.  John Key is the bell to my Pavlov's dog. Every time I see his grinning face I shake my fist and scream, 'You sir, are a dick!', before drooling uncontrollably while trying to lick my balls.

No Greg, you're a dick.

I've never met John Key. The only connection we have is that we both went to Burnside High School and got B.Com degrees at Canterbury University. Then our paths diverged. John went to Harvard and reaped $50,000,000 as head of Asian Foreign Exchange for Merrill Lynch. I went to Auckland and reaped $50 by dressing up in green tights and waving a cardboard sword.

Spot the dick.

I'm sure if John met me he would think I'm a dick. He may not drool and try to lick his own balls, but I'm pretty sure he would take one look at me in my spotted tights and chuckle to himself, 'That pale waify young man is a dick. I can't believe he was head boy! I can't believe he has a B.Com degree! I can't believe we went to the same high school and university! I know what, I'll get Anne Tolley to close Burnside High and Canterbury University down just like we closed down my primary school, and destroy any record of his existence. And just to rub it in, I'll cut all funding for the arts and plays and all that other prancy stuff dicks do and give the money to Peter Jackson, because PJ's my mate and we had a great chat on my talkshow on Radio Live. I mean, if there's no money in theatre and dance and stuff, why do the dicks do it?'

I've asked myself that question many times.

I was just getting used to John Key being a dick before I saw a photo of John with an even bigger dick. Not content with being a dick and leading the country for three more years, John's decided to try and insert the mother-of-all-dicks back into parliament just in case enough dicks don't vote for him to let him dick the country singlehandedly.

It's quite a clever move. John Banks is a cock colossus and no matter how much of a dick Key makes of himself, Banksie is assured of cocking things up to a whole new level. Not only is Banksie a dick, he's also a bit of a racist, (I know I put in lots of links, but click on this one, watch it for 30 seconds and then go have a shower), and a bit of a homophobe. Here's a delightful wee Banksie gem from the 1993 parliamentary debates on outlawing discrimination on the basis of sexuality.

"The problem with this homosexual business we've now made legal in his country is that so many of these creeps have now boldly crept out of the wardrobe and parliament is soon going to legislate... to allow sexual deviants or people with sexual alternatives to work... with immunity."

The only positive trait of John Banks I'm aware of is that he's a big supporter of the SPCA and likes dogs. Then again Hitler liked dogs as well.

John and John invited every journalist and cameraman in the country to their tea-party, and then got the shock of their lives when somebody managed to leave a microphone in a pouch on their table and record their 'private' conversation. Apparently they talk about how to get rid of another dick called Don. John Key thinks what happened is 'News Of The World' journalism and the publishing of the tape could in some circumstances lead to suicide, even though he "genuinely can't recall" anything he said and there's nothing of interest on the tape anyway.

I'm sure someone will leak it soon. Here's my guess on what we'll hear.

John Key: 'Have you heard of Greg Cooper?'
Banksie: 'Yeah. He was dressed as a dog at an SPCA Function I gave a speech at.'
John Key: 'He's a dick.'
Banksie: 'Yeah, he's a dick.'
John Key: 'Is that your pouch?'