Make Sure You're Connected

There comes a point in crime shows made up of acronyms, place names and 80's rappers where the lead investigator looks at a picture of the crime scene, a picture of the victim, a mug on their desk commemorating the 1937 Hindenburg disaster and a poodle brought in for questioning in relation to a suspicious fire at a grouting factory, and finally make the connections necessary to solve the crime.

'Of course. The victim didn't die of lead poisoning, all those pencils shoved up his nose were a clue he left us in the seconds before he died. His mouth in the shape of a 'NO' and his body in the shape of an 'A' are telling us to remove the A from the lead giving Led, as in Zeppelin. Zeppelin's used hydrogen, a colourless highly flammable gas contained in farts. Unbeknownst to the victim, the murderer had been flooding his home with farts for years and grouting up all his windows. When the murderer realised hydrogen wasn't poisonous he flew into a rage and chewed through a cable. Later that night when the victim switched on his lava lamp it blew his house up. Arrest that poodle.'

I'm temping again at the moment so have a lot of time on my hands to make connections. My hands are dripping with time and my brain with connections in between taking orders for Semi Sculpting Freeze and Shine High Lift Self Styling Peroxide Paste. The connections I've made are terrifying. By continuing to read this you may be putting your own life and ten of your Facebook friends at risk, so I'd advise to stop reading now and go gander at a safe site like this.

Still with me? OK, let's begin.

It is common knowledge that every week a million people move from New Zealand to Australia. This means in a few years there will be nobody left in New Zealand. We all know it's happening and most pundits argue it's due to the increasing Trans-Tasman income gap, warmer weather and the prospect of a reality show about Sally and Jamie Ridge. What nobody is asking is why these things are being allowed to happen. The weather issue is tricky to remedy, but surely it's not that hard to pay people more and take all the funding for 'A Ridge To Nowhere' and make something more entertaining like 'Celebrity Target', where ex-Shortland Street stars sneak into carpet cleaners homes to sniff their undies. The scary truth is these calamities are part of a coordinated attack designed to drive the entire New Zealand population across the ditch as quickly as possible. It is breathtaking in its scope and effectiveness and funded by three immensely powerful people with one hand in their pocket and the other up John Key's bum.

The first and most powerful of the triumvirate is this man.

I'm the king of the world New Zealand!

This man is called James Cameron. He has kept a very low profile and many of you are probably not even aware he exists. Not only is he a deep sea diver and film maker, he is also Canadian. His most recent film was about a giant ship that hit a giant tree and sunk to the bottom of a giant ocean into a land of blue people who live in mushrooms and battle a wizard and his cat. It was called Avatitanicar and made more money than the world had available resulting in the Global Financial Crisis. JC is buying up New Zealand land at an astonishing rate and based on some quick conspiracy extrapolation, will own half of New Zealand by my next birthday.

The second member is this man.

I'm the king of the world Wellington!

His name is Peter Jackson and he is not a deep sea diver, but is a film maker and possibly Canadian. He currently owns all of Wellington and is good friends with John Key and JC. What is most disturbing is that right behind PJ in this photo you can clearly see a gold Terminator waiting to kill any New Zealand actor asking for minimum terms and conditions. Who invented the Terminator? James Cameron did! The connections begin.

The third and most terrifying of the triumvirate is...

I'm the Queen of the world Wanaka!

Shania Twain. She is not a deep sea diver or a film maker but is definitely Canadian. She currently owns 24, 731 hectares of Wanaka paid for by idiots who loved 'Man! I Feel Like A Woman'.

So, we have a puppet Prime Minister being manipulated by at least two Canadians into implementing policies to free up land for them to build giant fortress like lairs filled with mysterious mists. The yellow peril dairy farm buy-up is a red herring planted by fat cats. We have been misled and obfuscated. The final question to ask is...

Why?

The answer came to me while I was keying an order for Moisture Boosting Baby Detangler, and it was so shocking I think I dispatched three 300ml bottles instead of two. JC, PJ and ST are planning to annihilate the human race. Not content with make believe, they intend to make the mother of all snuff end-of-the-world films and Shania will sing as the planet burns. PJ's Weta supercomputer may have already unleashed JC's diabolical Skynet system to render mankind out of existence. Soon they will launch an army of unstoppable James Cameron patented gold O-800 Terminators, or Oscars, armed with Red Digital Cameras to mop up the rest of humanity.  JC and PJ will edit the footage in their nuclear bunker editing suites deep under the only place in the world safe from residuals and residual fallout.

I realise this all sounds farfetched but I'm temping so cut me some slack. I'm only meant to be there for two more weeks so it won't last. Next week I shall attempt to make the connection between the moon landing, the Loch Ness Monster and Seal...only if one of James Cameron's Oscars doesn't get me first.