Whatever the case his death certainly had nothing to do with his state of health. He was in fantastic shape, absolutely fantastic. I know this is true because The Incredible Hulk told me. He said, "I'd never seen him look better" and that, "he seemed fine, alert, no pain at all." Even though that final phrase seems better suited to someone who is just a head being kept alive in a jar of bubbling liquid, who's going to disagree with The Incredible Hulk?
Here are some photos of Michael Jackson and as you can see he's an absolute picture of health.
It must be great being a celebrity, not only do you get paid lots of money and lots of people want to have sex with you, you can go on TV and tell fibs and get away with it. The Incredible Hulk could have said, "Underneath his slim exterior Michael Jackson had a body just like mine and could bench press 400 pounds upside down while sipping on gin and Jesus Juice" and everybody would have agreed and nodded their heads and thanked The Incredible Hulk for his startling revelation.
It must be such a rush knowing you can spout forth with any old bullshit and nobody picks you up on it. In California The Terminator has told everyone that instead of getting paid or getting your tax refund you will receive an I.O.U which he says are "rock solid". This from the man who said, "Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million." It must be reassuring when you're feeding your children sausages made of dirt that you have a stack of I.O.U's from The Terminator in your top draw just waiting for some financial institution like Wells Fargo to convert them into your hard earned Benjamins. Wells Fargo got $25 billion worth of I.O.U's from Obama but recent stress tests have shown they probably need another $13.7 billion in order to remain well capitalised. Hasta la vista baby.
Luckily in New Zealand we don't have celebrities, all we have are people on Shortland Street, people who used to or currently play rugby or cricket and Marc Ellis. These people try and tell us fibs but we just laugh at them because we know somebody who knows them, they are related to us or we are actually them.
I went to a focus group on Thursday where I sat around with nine other men and discussed the merits of a new series of TVC's for a large hamburger producing multi-national company that is desperately trying to rebrand itself to make you think their offerings are as healthy as Michael Jackson. E,I,E,I,O,U. It was quite surreal walking into a small room in a Parnell hotel and seeing nine middle aged men and a video camera. I half expected my cup of tea to be laced with rohypnol but still had two cups and three pastries and loosened my pants. I was getting paid $70 and times are tough. After listening to a few of the test voice-overs my fellow focus groupers began suggesting better replacements, namely, Colin Meads, some Aussie guy who plays league who I'd never heard of and Marc Ellis. As someone who has done a bit of voice work myself I began crying on the inside and wanting to shove all the hotel pens up their posteriors. Not only would this have made me happy, it would have produced a video that could have made me more than $70. I wondered what they all did for a living and how they would feel if instead of using their accountancy/plumbing/gynecological services I got Marc Ellis over to probe my U-bend.
Not only do celebrities tell fibs, they think they can do anything. Rappers can be fashion designers, singers can write books, actors can advise developing countries on economic policy and Sting can do all of it while having tantric sex. One thing they can't do yet is cure swine flu. BBC World has just told me Ron Weasley has a mild case of swine flu and Harry Potter hasn't helped one iota. Boy wizard my arse.
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