win32:virut

I'm writing this on my Netbook. It's a bit like a laptop but you can't call it a laptop because it's smaller than a laptop which makes it easier to fit on top of your lap. And don't even think about calling it a notebook. If you call a netbook a laptop or notebook I.T people will look at you with a wry smile and then attempt to explain your error using words like cloud computing, solid state and x86, which isn't even a word. Talking to I.T folk is like talking to dolphins, you know they know more than you do and they have a lovely smiling faces but all you hear are squeaks and whistles unless you are a dolphin as well.

If you are interested, netbook is a portmanteau of the words internet and notebook.
Portmanteau is a portmanteau of Natalie Portman and te au, which means the gold in Maori, i.e the golden girl in the film with Tem Morrison.

Portmanteau is a good word. Win32:virut is not a good word, because it has a colon in the middle and because it is a virus. The colon in your body is used to pass shit out of your system, the colon in win32:vitro turns your system into shit and then dumps it all over you while making more shit than seems possible for its size, like an evil evil baby.

Here's some more words that sound like clicks and whistles when you say them aloud: Parasitic file infector of PE files with .EXE extension, an IRC bot communicating on TCP port 65520, polymorphic entry point obscuring (EPO) and my favourite of all ZOMBIFY.

On the monitor of my desktop, a portmanteau of the words de and sktopiary, i.e a bush trimmed into the shape of a German shepherd, there is a blue screen filled with more squeaks and whistles like: linux kernal, mersenne twister, DoD 5220.22-M and my favourites of all URANDOM KOK.

The screen is telling me that in 10:29:25 I will have erased everything on my computer so even if I left my computer in the Pentagon and 100 Pentagon people worked for 100 years with 100 monkeys to see what things I had on my computer they would only find out that I once tried to install my own sound card and lost half the screws before putting the outer case back on.

The program I am using is called Darik's Boot and Nuke 1.0.7. I don't know who Darik is but I'd like to thank him or her, unless they are the Ukranian who wrote win32:virut. The last few days have been somewhat stressful. It's been like watching an episode of Target where a dodgy Ukranian builder comes into your house, sniffs all your undies, craps on your carpet and whacks off over your record collection while sticking your toothbrush up his bum. The fact that I invited the builder into my house in the hope of getting my hands on his crack makes it all the worse. Although I frisked the Ukranian vigorously with my anti-virus software I have only myself to blame.

I have tried in vain to battle the builder with the help of various dolphins around the world and their dolphin discussion forums. I have downloaded scanners and software fixes and booted myself into safe modes with no success. The Ukranian builder knows my every move, he blocks my access to the sites that may offer assistance and every scan just makes him angrier and more destructive. So I have resorted to the scorched earth policy. A small parcel of documents and mp3's have made it on the last chopper out and my hard drives are being annilated before my eyes. This is probably what William Shatner felt like when he blew up the Enterprise, it is painful, liberating and necessary. I just hope the builder is not clinging to the bottom of my chopper waiting to corrupt me again.