Nicklejack

My first ever blog post was going to be of an introductory nature with a link to Michael Legg's Blog which is funnier than mine. As I was browsing in preparation and procrastination my eyes wandered over this startling and depressing headline. Nickelback are a truly excruciating band who make me angry about everything at the same time, sort of like what Christopher Lambert felt after chopping off the Kurgan's head but really angry. Their lead singer is a gentleman by the name of Chad Kroeger. He used to work at Starbucks and would frequently say to the idiots buying their overpriced mediocre coffee, 'Here's your nickel back' and then just like that, the worst band in the world was born. Chad sings like he trying to force out a really large never-rending stool that gets wider and more painful during the choruses. You've probably all suffered through 'How You Remind Me' and I'm sure you will all remember other Nickelback hits such as Photograph, Savin' Me, Far Away and Rockstar. All of these songs have two things in common...they are all absolute shit and they are all the same song. They have recently released singles titled 'Feelin' Way Too Damn Good', 'Something In Your Mouth' and 'I'd Come For You' which leads me to suspect Chad liked sharing his Canadian bacon around at Starbucks and the frothy top on Chad's frappuccino wasn't milk. Nickelback have sold 31 million albums. In the 2000's they were the second best foreign selling act in the US, behind some obscure British band called The Beatles. Jesus wept.

I'm sure there are probably 31 million people who think Jack Johnson is Jesus. He looks a bit like Jesus if Jesus had known about designer stubble. If Jesus was alive today I bet he would be a surfer because surfer's are in touch with nature and all spiritual like and say words like 'dude' and 'sick' and 'tubular bells'. Unfortunately Jack Johnson is not Jesus, he is Satan disguised as "a Hawaiian singer-songwriter, musician, filmmaker and surfer, known for his work in the soft rock genre." (Wikipedia) If Nickelback make me angry, Jack Johnson makes me turn green and burst out of my clothes to run around with my shirt off waiting to be calmed down by someone who manages to make me remember that I like them and don't want to crush them with my big green hand. Jack is really mellow, like really mellow dude. He was a pro surfer until he hit his head and got 150 stitches and quite possibly a labotomy. Here's what he says about the incident:

"I like to joke that I hit my head so hard that that's why I'm so mellow, but I think it did mellow me out."

No it didn't Jack, it just made you slightly retarded. I can't stand Jack Johnson's music, it is boring, beige and bland and banal and base and bloody bollocks. I got drunk at a wedding once and danced to a covers band playing that Always Waiting song and have hated myself ever since. Even his name sounds like rhyming slang for an arse-hole. Jack=Jacksy=arse. Johnson rhymes with Ronson...Ronson Lighter...shiter=arse. If a big man with a handlebar approached you in a dark alley way and said 'I'm gonna shove this right up your Jack Johnson', you'd know where he was coming from and you'd know it would be more pleasurable than listening to Jack's music.