May contain nudity

Following on from my last post which featured a disturbing bar graph I present you with a disturbing line graph to illustrate a disturbing trend that is disturbing me. The john legend is as follows: blue line = comments on blogger, red line = comments on facebook and yellow line = likes on facebook. It doesn't take a chart whiz to notice a downward trend on all three indicators of my blogs impact and I'm disturbed by this. John Legend had hits with "If You're Out There", "I Used to Love You" and "P.D.A (We Just Don't Care)" which just goes to show that John has suffered through a disturbing case of blogmalaise as well. I am determined to reverse this disturbing trend and have decided to resort to the only two marketing methods I know, fit birds and nudity.

After minutes searching the internet I have found a picture of a very fit bird indeed and here she is. What a dirty little minx, look at the provocative way she is holding that door with her hand hovering over the knob as if to say "My door is always open and my hand is right over your knob" or "Come inside and let me touch your knob" or "I like this knob" or "Wow, there's a knob on both sides of this door, I love a knob on both sides" or "This knob is silver, like the Lone Ranger's horse, I would like to ride the Lone Ranger's horse or your knob" or "Fancy a root?" Images like this verging on really really soft soft porn are guaranteed to increase readership and comments in the short term and alienate and sicken people in the long term which is exactly what I'm after.

I bet you all really fancy her don't you, I'd love to know what you're up to with her in your sordid imaginations even though she's probably unobtainable. Well, prepare to vomit in your mouth, that saucy minx who you're fantasising wildly about right now is actually ME in a DRESS. I know, it's hard to believe isn't it, it's like one of those reality dating shows where you find out right at the end that the winning woman has been dead the whole time and nobody realised, except the small boy who could see dead women. Yuck, yuck, yuckity yuck. Go and have a shower and let's never speak of this again.

I dressed up like this for a conference in Rootaroa last week with Jared who regular readers will recall bravely braved four days at the Food Show with me. The theme for the conference dinner was prom night and I was last years prom queen Candy and he was Randy. All the delegates dressed up as well. I got felt up by men because it's not gay to feel up another man when he's dressed as a woman so it's OK and there's nothing gay about it, because he's got screwed up paper as boobs and he's wearing a dress...so it's not gay...OK. I also got groped by middle aged women but that's not sexual harrassment because he's a man dressed as a woman and I'm a woman and woman love to grab each others bits, have pillow fights in their nighties and talk about riding Silver. Jared had his tackle groped by a large English man dressed as Gene Simmons but that's not gay because Gene probably goes both ways.

Conferences are great fun, especially when you don't have to sit through the endless tedium of train-wreck presentations backed up with endless powerpoint bollocks. No matter what company it is and what product or service they are peddling, 90% of conference presentations spout the same old crap that everybody knows anyway...stuff like this:

"We must work together as a team to exceed the customer's expectations everytime and provide a service second to none in this competitive environment to survive the current recessionary climate. Margins! We must be lean and dynamic and approach every opportunity with the knowledge that our actions reflect the brand and all of us are the most important resource and together we can win and make our targets. Margins! My door is always open and I will endeavour to implement all your ideas to make this organisation more effective. Margins! We must all think of the bottom line and think outside the square and think differently from our competitors. Margins! We must be harder, faster, stronger. Margins! We are a winning team and together we will win."

This can be summarised as:

"Make your targets or lose your jobs."

After hours of this you may be invited to go to a break-out room where you listen to more of it in smaller groups and write on a big bit of paper in different coloured felt pens. Then you read the words you have written, words like 'brand awareness", "customer focus", "symbiotic" and "follow-up" before the bits of paper get screwed up by the facilitator to be used as boob stuffing for the piss-up in the evening.

Then it's time for some team-building where you thrash a drum for a couple of hours in unison or run around blind-folded tied to a cow with your team-mates hand up it's arse to guide it around all your other team members lying naked in the shape of your company's logo.

Then you go back to your hotel, put a wacky costume on, go and get slaughtered, try and cop off with someone or tell your CEO what a bellend he is before kissing him and vomiting in his mouth. Wake up at 6am with a steaming hang-over, return to conference venue and repeat if you still have a job.

I'm sure some of you have some fantastic and saucy conference stories so why don't you comment on this blog and share them. If I don't reverse my disturbing trend I will resort to nudity in my next post and that really will be disturbing for all concerned and ruin my chances of becoming Prime Minister of America.

You have been warned.