Week five of my Christchurch sojourn and I was planning to offer five more of my favourite things about my home town but I'm full of malaise so will discuss Facebook instead.

Gore Vidal said something like, "everytime a friend succeeds a little part of me dies" and Facebook is killing all my little parts much sooner than they should be killed. Facebook is just a way for people doing more interesting things than you in more interesting places to tell you about the more interesting things they are doing in more interesting places so you feel more crap about the uninteresting things you're doing in uninteresting places.

Here are some recent status updates I've received:

"...is in Atlanta and Edmonton and Graz"

"...is making pom poms"

"...is going to spend Christmas in Christchurch. Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone at all?"

"...had a great day at Halswell domain riding on small trains"

"...saw the fuckin awful Inglorious Basterds yesterday. Still at least I saw a man piss on himself right afterwards."

Depressing innit. All my friends are living much more exciting lives than I am. I was actually in Halswell a bit over the weekend and didn't see any small trains so obviously I'm not cool enough for Halswell. I didn't see anyone on the streets in Halswell because they were probably all sitting on their really long small train riding behind the Corolla laughing at me and ducking behind a Magnolia whenever I looked in the rear view mirror to peer between the louvers.

Do you see what I'm doing here? It's called reincorporation, it's what you do in improvised scenes when you can't be arsed thinking up any new stuff.

I have never made pom poms or seen a man piss on himself. I have pissed on myself though. Just last week I had four glasses of Nor'wester Pale Ale with Jared and Shay Horay and ended up pissing on the front garden of Cooking with Gas. God, that place has gone down-hill, their flag at the front is all tatty. I'm sure some of my piss ended up on myself. That Nor'wester is nasty stuff, the Dux says it's 6.5% however I think that's a big fib. It's more like 6.7%.

I haven't been to Atlanta, Edmonton or Graz but I think that particular poster was fibbing as Graz is in Austria. He was probably appearing in some wacky improv show on a live video feed or something which I haven't done either so even his fib is more exciting that my life. Simon Peacock manages to make Christmas in Christchurch seem exciting which should make the fact that I'm already in Christchurch exciting but it doesn't, it just makes it pointless for me to update my status with something like, "Greg is in Christchurch." as everyone is now more interested in the fact Simon is going to be here for Christmas.

Even friends who don't post 'What's on their mind' are doing more exciting things. I shall shamelessly name-drop my very famous friend Jemaine Clement here. He was touring with FOTC, selling out massive arenas throughout North America and didn't update his status once. He sold out two nights at the Radio City Music Hall in New York and not a peep out of him. He doesn't even have a picture or aviator or whatever geeks call them. All he does is accept friend requests, sort of like Napoleon at his height. (He was 5' 6.5", which is pretty much exactly my height. Jemaine is much taller, Jemaine is 9' 2".) My page features a review for a show posted by somebody else, my own blog and my 50,000 point medal for Bejewelled Blitz.

I'm thinking I might just start fibbing. Fibbing is one of those great words that sort of sounds a bit dirty, like ribbing, rimming, frotting, felching, tromboning and Jack Johnsoning. Another reincorp...huzzah! I think my next posts will be something along the lines of...

"Greg is in Bishopdale, Casebrook and Twizel."

"Greg is spending Christmas with Jesus. Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone at all?"

"Greg is setting fire to Halswell."

"Greg is pissing in his own eye while making pom poms out of his own pooh."

That sort of thing.