Wrong songs.

I dined at the Papanui KFC last week. I had resolved to boycott it when a few days before then I pulled up to the drive-thru in my long blue limousine and was greeted with, "Hi can I take your order...oh yeah...there's a 15 minute wait for chicken."

I replied with, "That's quite alright my good fellow, I have no interest in your poultry offerings. Why anyone would come to Kentucky Fried Chicken and expect chicken is beyond me. I only come to this fast food chicken establishment to be offered no chicken very slowly and you have exceeded my expectations."

I wish I had replied with that. All I did was squeak out something like, "OK, thanks" before driving off with a stormy face and tears in my eyes.

You would have to think chicken vigilance is a fundamental tenet of KFC employment. Surely someone would pipe up with, "We're on our last legs", or "I've just grabbed the last thigh" or, "My breasts are getting low." If I worked at KFC the opportunity to say any of these phrases at the top of my voice would probably be the only thing keeping me going. My anger was limitless and I boycotted them for three days.

Anyway, I went back and was enjoying my usual two-piece quarter pack for lunch, (the leg was beautiful but the breast was drippy) when 'Why Does Love Do This To Me' by The Dance Exponents began playing. Yes, I know, the band is now just called The Exponents but I like to stick with the original names such as Puff Daddy, John Cougar and Whitcombe and Tombs. As I was licking my fingers I realised my life would be better if I never heard 'Why Does Love Do This To Me' ever again. I wished, hoped and prayed that not only did I never have to hear this song again, but that Jordan Luck had never conceived it.

My god...blog update....I just visited the Dance Exponents wikipedia page and found this!

'They reportedly once decided to tour every New Zealand town with a KFC, not due to their love of chicken, but because they trusted KFC's market research and reasoned these towns must contain enough youth to fill up their gigs.'

So, Mr Luck and his merry men don't like KFC but are happy enough to free-load off their market research to sell a few concert tickets and peddle some crappy t-shirts and tapes. Man, I really hate 'Why Does Love Do This To Me' now, in fact I hate everything Jordan Luck has ever produced, including 'Victoria' which I quite like. WDLDTTM comes from an album entitled 'Something beginning with C' and Mr Luck, you are that something beginning with C. You sir are right up there with Jack Johnson and I bet he doesn't like KFC either.

I then began thinking about what other songs I would never like to hear again. It's a big call to make and you have to think seriously as your tastes may change. Often the hatred is due to the artist selling out and accepting pots of money from a vile monopolistic company to use the offending song on a dire marketing campaign e.g Air New Zealand, Telecom, Whitcombe and Tombs. So, after minutes of thought, here is my short list of songs I wish I never hear again...

'Loyal' by Dave Dobbyn. Used and abused by too many companies and causes to mention here. His 'Welcome Home' song is well on the way to reach the monstrous annoying proportions of 'Loyal' as well. I'm tempted to add 'Bliss' to, just to piss off all the dumb dick head students who think it's hilarious to get pissed and then sing this song.

Anything by Jack Johnson of course.

'Baby Come On' by Elemeno P.

Any song where the first lyrics are:

"Uh huh...uh huh..."
"Oh baby...."
"Lucky that my breasts are small humble so you don't confuse them with mountains."

Feel free to add any of your own.