As a professional at the height of my game I however have been travelling on dead posh Air New Zealand where high-flying stars like myself are showered with free water and tea or coffee before being offered a choice of 'a biscuit', 'some sweets' or 'fruity chips'. I really lucked out when I flew back from Christchurch over Easter and was given a free Cadbury Creme Egg and a lolly to suck on while going down. I also lucked out by crashing over the status points threshold into the hallowed world of the 'Silver Member'. This means I am about to be showered with more free shit like an ePass which I think is an Air New Zealand version of the iPad, two complimentary one entry Koru lounge passes and priority airport standby which means, "When you are at the airport and you wish to travel on an alternative flight, if a seat becomes available you will be given priority standby." I get to the airport and suddenly realise I want to travel on an alternate flight all the time so this benefit will be invaluable. Sometimes that Speights you're drinking, McDonalds burger you're eating or Tom Clancy novel you're reading is just too good to rush in order to do something as paltry as catch a plane. It's a huge relief to know that now I will be able to splash out another $300 and be first in line to fly half an hour later.
I've still got a way to go to reach the nirvana that is 'Gold Elite'. My brother is lucky enough to be one of that select bunch and he actually gets to the fly the plane if he wants to while smoking a fag and talking on his mobile phone. Also, the in-flight crew, both male and female have to obey his every request no matter how outlandish or debauched. He once got me into the Gold Elite VIP section of the Koru Lounge with him before a flight and it looked exactly like this.
And yes, Helen Mirren was actually there.
Here's a list of the exotic places I've been to over the last two weeks in reverse order of exoticness.
Christchurch
Wellington
Napier
Hastings
Napier and Hastings were particularly exotic as I hadn't been to either before. I knew Napier was famous for its collection of art-deco buildings which came about when the city was lucky enough to have an earthquake during the art-deco period however Hastings was a mystery. Napier was nice and the Ujazi cafe magic carrot cake was magical but who knew that Hastings was such a haven for arts and signage. I was there to take part in a special one-off performance of 'Austen Found', an improvised musical tribute to the genius of Jane Austen where I pretend I'm Colin Firth and stand around looking moody at balls. We did the show at the beautiful Hawke's Bay Opera House for 250 students of the National Youth Drama School and some general public. The NYDS is a fantastic opportunity for young budding arty types aged between 16 and 18 to come together to study every aspect of theatre and film imaginable. After they have come together to study it also provides a fantastic opportunity for them to root each other and try to come together again. They were all lovely young people and asked us lots of intelligent questions after the show before dashing back to Havelock North for the nightly group orgy.
Hastings is also full of helpful and exciting signs. I have captured a few of them for your viewing pleasure. Need some realy cheap carpet... Go to Hastings!
Really want a cat or dog but can't afford to feed them... go to Hastings!
Don't know how to wash your hands...go to Hastings! Don't forget your wrists!
Thank you Hastings for teaching me the six step five finger technique and the hygenic joy of rotational rubbing. I'm hoping this poster says something really filthy in sign-language so if anyone can fill me in I'd be most grateful.
To conclude, here is a link to the best show in the Wellington Comedy Festival. If you live in Wellington you must go. If you don't you should fly with Air New Zealand to Wellington to see it and I'll get one of you into the Koru Lounge for a free muffin.
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