Feelin' Moody

Just like the Hotel California I'm back in Christchurch but this time I'm ashamed of being back in my hometown. I am depressed and angry and almost ready to pretend that I was born and raised in Ashburton. The weather has been relatively lovely, I'm directing a lovely bunch of actors in another children's spectacular that will change the lives of  youth throughout the country and I get to drive the lovely Corolla, however that's not enough to knead the knot of disgust and loathing that lies within my largest muscle.

There are two words responsible for this state of affairs.

The Feelers.

The Feelers are shit.
The Feelers are the Antipodean Nickleback.
I like Jack Johnson more than The Feelers.
The Feelers are from Christchurch.

I thought The Feelers had gone the way of other such MOR, turgid, could-be-Christian bands like Creed, Puddle of Mud and Muddy Puddle of Creed however just when I thought it was safe to listen to The Rock again they sneak up and sonically spit-roast me, raping both my ears simultaneously with unlubricated stereophonic shit.

The first outrage was their cover of the the 1990 Jesus Jones hit 'Right Here Right Now'. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was a bit of a Jesus Jones fan back in the day when I was going through my baggy phase. You didn't tell people you were into Jesus Jones at the time though, you just listened to their songs on your walkman under your bed-covers at night with a torch to read Mike Edward's cryptic and deep lyrics.

A woman on the radio talks about revolution
when it's already passed her by
but Bob Dylan didn't have this to sing about
you know it feels good to be alive.

Apparently The Feelers singing this will also make you feel good about parting with hundreds of your hard earned dollars to watch some men playing rugby next year. I'm hoping the IRB chose this song because Bob Dylan will be singing the national anthems before the games and doing half-time spots with Janet Jackson but I'm not holding my breath. The Feelers have taken one of my least favourite Jesus Jones songs and turned it into my least favourite Jesus Jones song. I bet the bloody Feelers could take one of my favourite songs, like 'Black Coffee' by the wonderful All Saints and make it my least favourite song without even trying. In fact Black Coffee would be a much better Rugby World Cup song, cause you could tweak the title to 'All Black Coffee' and it has lyrics like...

I wouldnt wanna be
Anywhere else but... here
I wouldnt wanna change
Anything at all
(Anything oh I..)

Shit...I hope The Feelers aren't reading this.

Then The Feelers decided it wasn't enough to ruin the Rugby World Cup and decided to spray their musical effluent all over New Zealand's miraculous participation in the Football World Cup. The last time we were in a World Cup Final was in Spain in 1982 and we had the best song ever. I can still remember the lyrics and the tune...

We're the All Whites
And we're marching off to Spain,
We'll score goals, goals, goals,
And we'll score some more again!

Genius! Absolute quality of the highest order. We also had this slightly less catchy cracker from Ray Wolf.

What have we got this year? Well, we have got The Feelers song 'Stand Up' sung by Australian Idol winner Stan Walker. I could only get to 40 seconds before I wanted to go all Van Gough on myself. What an insipid dirge that stirs nothing but the desire to vomit in your own mouth. We'll all be singing this in the pubs come June...

It's time to open up and shed a little light
On your soul
'Cause the box you put your heartache in got
Lost or swept out to sea
Now it's time just to move on 


This song is written by James Reid. James Reid attended Christ's College and according to Wikipedia, "during his years at high school James developed an appreciation of music of all types, especially thrash metal which he still continues to play to this day in one of his lesser known bands Sausagetera." God help us all.

Please Ray Wolf, I beg you, re-release 'Heading for the Top' before June. Pleeeeeeeasssse!

Finally, a big thank you to The Outwits and all who sailed on her last weekend for the 48 Hours Film Festival. It was a wonderful weekend and we ended up with a very funny and silly seven minute musical with three part harmony, a whole lotta whip-pans and a splash of Chocolate Rain.