There can't be only one.

This is my 35th posting and now that I've built my follwers up to 12, although I think Beth is following me twice for some reason, it's high time for a gratuitous plug for my show that's coming up. I'm always suspicious when actors want to be my friend because deep down I know they're only being nice to me so at some stage they will have another chum to badger to come and see their solo show about something that happened in their lives that they think other people will give a shit about. They will usually be playing multiple characters. It will usually be a uniquely New Zealand story about New Zealanders that New Zealanders can relate to and reflect our New Zealandness in a uniquely New Zealand way to build New Zealand's cultural identity and make all New Zealanders proud of being New Zealanders and living in New Zealand. If you tick off all those New Zealand boxes you may have a slim chance of getting some funding from Creative New Zealand who, "invest resources in New Zealand arts for the long-term benefit of New Zealanders."

I really want you all to come and see my solo show about something that happened in my life that I think you will give a shit about. I also play multiple characters. Unfortunately Creative New Zealand decided not to invest resources in my art for the long term benefit of this New Zealander so I am unashamedly badgering you. If I was a badger this is how I would have looked when I found out Creative New Zealand weren't giving us any money.

That is an angry Honey Badger. I will be honest and say that often I would rather coat my privates in honey and put an angry Honey Badger down my pants than go and see some theatre. I'm meant to be seeing a show right now but haven't gone because I either lost my tickets or they weren't sent to me in the first place so either I'm not committed enough to go see it or someone else isn't committed enough for me to go see it. If there was nudity and free booze afterwards I definitely would have committed to seeing it however I'm pretty sure this particular show features neither.

My show doesn't have any nudity either although I do wear a very tight pair of green tights so if you come wearing red tinted glasses my bottom half will look like I'm naked with jaundice. My producer...yes I have a real live producer and what's more he's Danish and what's more he's great so I shall refer to him from now on as the Great Dane, has hinted he may have scored us some sponsorship from a boozery so here's hoping there will be free booze as well. Just out of interest the Great Dane's real name is how a pirate would say anus.

So, unconfirmed free booze plus the opportunity to see my cock and balls all scrunched up in tight tights. I bet you're all gagging for it now aren't you. Well, as much as you're all gagging away there's no way you're gagging as much as this mystery person.

 I get emailed these sales reports everyday and until our barrage of advertising kicks in, (a Facebook group and some fliers), you never expect to sell anything. Imagine my excitement when I opened my daily report on April 19th to find the hideous phrase 'No sales data available' had been replaced with 'Standard Concession $20.00 $0.00 $20.00 1 $20.00'. Someone, somewhere at sometime between 6.56am Sunday April 18th and 6.56am Monday 19th April purchased one concession ticket to my show that hadn't even been advertised! As the cheap bastard purchased a concession they are either a member of Equity, a student, a senior citizen, on a community services card or all of the above. My one ticket sold may be to an 81 year old actor majoring in feminist theology with one leg and and a rash. This should narrow it down and help to identify the purchaser but so far I can't think of who it could be.

Can any of you dear readers shed light on this mystery?

Anyway, the promotional campaign has kicked off now so I'm expecting sales to sky-rocket. Flight of the Conchords sold out the Wembley arena (capacity 12,500) twice in 0.2 seconds with no advanced sales so I'm sure  I can sell out The Basement (capacity 100) eight times and maybe pencil in the Vector Arena just in case.

You can buy tickets here.