Imagine coming home early and finding your partner in bed with these three men.
And then you hear a noise in the closet and the men in the closet won't come out so you open the closet and find these four men.
You feel disgusted and dirty so you go take a shower but you can't because this man is already there, washing the salt off his skin after using your partner as a sexual surfboard.
You feel like killing yourself by stepping on a landmine but these men come out from under the bed where you store your landmines.
Is finding out your partner has terrible taste in music as bad as being cheated on? No, it's not. It's far far worse. When your partner cheats on you it means they don't love you anymore. When your partner likes bad music it means they never loved you and are insane. You have wasted years of your life with a mad person incapable of love who listens to Coldplay.
Thankfully my partner has very good taste in music, except for Placebo. The word Placebo originates from the Latin 'I shall please', as in 'I shall kill myself please turn that off.' She loves the high pitched nasal vocal stylings of Placebo lead singer Brian Molko, especially when Running up that Hill. I love Running Up That Hill as well but when Brian sings it I want to run up the hill after him, punch him so he falls down and breaks his crown and tumble down after him and punch him again. Now though I have overcome the Placebo effect by taking drugs to make me feel better and can almost listen to all of Every Me, Every You without harming myself.
So what can be done? I suppose the first thing you have to find out is if your partner was faking it. When you both listened to ABC were they dreaming of Elemeno P? When you listened to the New York Dolls were they fantasising about The Goo Goo Dolls and just wanting you to know who I am? Perhaps they were the person that left the comment, "This is one of those songs I just understand for some reason, but I have no idea why. It just makes sense to me." During those nights spent watching YouTube videos of Kate Bush would they have been happier watching just Bush?
When confronted they will simper and blubber and say they were only doing it to make you feel good but don't offer them any comfort. They have lied to you and betrayed you and God only knows what's on your iTunes. It could takes years to delete all the crap they've downloaded late at night while you've been polishing your records and arranging them alphabetically by the name of the band they've been influenced by. Or by genre. Or by the matrix number on the run-out groove. They have soiled your hard drive with filth like Genesis after Phil Collins started singing and Phil Collins.
That Feelers fetish may just be a passing phase but you cannot wait and hope it will go away. You must take immediate action. Try and reason with them. Tell them The Feelers were originally called Naked Toddler. True story. Naked Toddler! If your partner doesn't feel uneasy and queasy listening to a band that is essentially called 'Feeling Naked Toddlers' they are beyond hope and you should slip out the back Jack and make a new plan Stan. Don't be afraid to lie for love. Creed are a bunch of God botherers who sacrifice puppies. Jack Johnson uses puppies to wax his surfboard. Nickelback blow up puppies with landmines. It's for their own good.
If after all this they still refuse to listen to sense and good music just do what I did when I discovered a Creed CD in my brother's music collection and throw it out when they're not at home. I left his Jewel on the shelf because he was very generously letting me crash at his house and drink his wine cellar dry, but it had better be gone by now or there will be trouble...big trouble.
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| Nickelback tribute band No More Landmines |
Thankfully my partner has very good taste in music, except for Placebo. The word Placebo originates from the Latin 'I shall please', as in 'I shall kill myself please turn that off.' She loves the high pitched nasal vocal stylings of Placebo lead singer Brian Molko, especially when Running up that Hill. I love Running Up That Hill as well but when Brian sings it I want to run up the hill after him, punch him so he falls down and breaks his crown and tumble down after him and punch him again. Now though I have overcome the Placebo effect by taking drugs to make me feel better and can almost listen to all of Every Me, Every You without harming myself.
So what can be done? I suppose the first thing you have to find out is if your partner was faking it. When you both listened to ABC were they dreaming of Elemeno P? When you listened to the New York Dolls were they fantasising about The Goo Goo Dolls and just wanting you to know who I am? Perhaps they were the person that left the comment, "This is one of those songs I just understand for some reason, but I have no idea why. It just makes sense to me." During those nights spent watching YouTube videos of Kate Bush would they have been happier watching just Bush?
When confronted they will simper and blubber and say they were only doing it to make you feel good but don't offer them any comfort. They have lied to you and betrayed you and God only knows what's on your iTunes. It could takes years to delete all the crap they've downloaded late at night while you've been polishing your records and arranging them alphabetically by the name of the band they've been influenced by. Or by genre. Or by the matrix number on the run-out groove. They have soiled your hard drive with filth like Genesis after Phil Collins started singing and Phil Collins.
...this is a serious issue.
That Feelers fetish may just be a passing phase but you cannot wait and hope it will go away. You must take immediate action. Try and reason with them. Tell them The Feelers were originally called Naked Toddler. True story. Naked Toddler! If your partner doesn't feel uneasy and queasy listening to a band that is essentially called 'Feeling Naked Toddlers' they are beyond hope and you should slip out the back Jack and make a new plan Stan. Don't be afraid to lie for love. Creed are a bunch of God botherers who sacrifice puppies. Jack Johnson uses puppies to wax his surfboard. Nickelback blow up puppies with landmines. It's for their own good.
If after all this they still refuse to listen to sense and good music just do what I did when I discovered a Creed CD in my brother's music collection and throw it out when they're not at home. I left his Jewel on the shelf because he was very generously letting me crash at his house and drink his wine cellar dry, but it had better be gone by now or there will be trouble...big trouble.
remind me never to let you near my CD collection - too scared I will get hauled over the coals and you will never speak to me again. :-) xxxxxxxx
ReplyDeleteMind you - I only have 2 of the above albums.... and one is from a LOOOOOONNNGGGGG time ago - is that a "just scrape through pass' or dismal fail? :-)