For the last week I’ve spent the better part of my daylight hours working hard for a large multi-national sportswear company giving their money away. It’s a very very large company and you would definitely recognize the name if I told you however I’m just not going to do it.
It’s a temp job of course and may last up to two weeks depending on how fast I can get rid of their money. I signed up with a new temping agency and like totally nailed the interview. If I nailed auditions like I nail temp agency interviews I’d be a big star now hanging out in Hollywood, Wellywood or Elijah Wood. If only auditions for major feature films were looking for ‘people familiar with Microsoft Word who can type fast’. I got 32 out of 35 questions correct in my Microsoft Word 2007 test and blazed the keyboard with a blistering 58 words per minute using only two fingers on each hand and a random thumb. I could see my temp consultant Skye was dead impressed with these results, so I followed it up by giving her my profiles, speaking in an Irish accent and running around the office like a deer. This didn’t interest her at all until I got 30 out of 35 on Microsoft Excel while crying in an American accent and the deal was done.
The people at this unnamed sportswear company are very nice and the Ultimate Beaver is nowhere to be seen…although I know he’s still watching me like one of Obama’s kill-satellites. It’s a lovely place to while away a few weeks and they even have Dilmah tea and free soy milk on tap so I shouldn’t complain… but I will. I have to use a thing called SAP. I’ve never used this SAP thing before however after googling it I discovered to my horror that it’s really popular and is used by lots of big corporations who should know better. It was created by some Germans who were obviously still upset about losing the war and decided to take their revenge by unleashing this behemoth of bad design upon the world. Here's a picture of them looking evil.
They cleverly took this photo in front of some pretty blossom trees to make them look less despicable but it hasn't worked. I'm not sure who the one is rocking the Stop Making Sense suit but he looks particularly evil and the tall one on your right could be touching himself and the guy next to him has only one hand and the one on your far left has no hands at all! Look how smug big suity man is, just because he's got two hands. He's even displaying them in full view just to make the other three feel bad. He's even a bigger wanker than tall boy.
I bet nobody uses SAP in Germany or if they do they use the really good version of SAP that doesn’t make you hold the Enter key down for 30 seconds to cycle through hundreds of redundant warning messages about every transaction ever transacted. Before I worked out I could just depress the enter key continuously I was whacking it as fast as possible as if I was competing in the 100m sprint in Hyper Olympic. If you don't know what I'm talking about go here and thrash your x and y's like it's 1984. Back then they even had Hyper Olympic video games in fish and chip shops and those in the know used a 20c piece to rub back and forth against the red run button until all the plastic had been rubbed away to the metal beneath. Once on a family holiday in Nelson all my brother and I wanted to do was player Hyper Olympics in the fish and chip shop. As I was younger I was given the labour intensive and RSI inducing job of thrashing my 20 cent coin while he hit the jump key for the 110m hurdles. We had a lot of success from this team approach so if you can find a friend to whack your space bar for you I highly recommend it.
Anyway, as I mentioned somewhere in this post I've giving money away. I don't know why I'm giving it away, all I know is I have to give heaps of it away before the end of the Australian financial year. What makes me very proud is that as I'm working in the Australasian Head Office of this global sportswear brand, I get to give lots of money back to sports shops in New Zealand. So far, my furious whacking has contributed thousands of Australian dollars to the New Zealand economy. Thousands of AU dollars = $3.14159265 trillion NZ dollars. I am saving the NZ economy one whack at a time. Every time I whack New Zealand gets my money shot. Everyone thinks John Key is saving New Zealand but he's not. It's me. The reason he does nothing but smile and blame the earthquake for everything before saying the earthquake will save the NZ economy is that he's noticed my huge deposits and can't believe his luck. Here's a photo of the moment when he found out what I was doing...
That grin has travelled well beyond Cheshire and is currently residing somewhere in Cumbria. I've heard Tim Burton has agreed to cast John as the Cheshire Cat in Alice In Wonderland II as long as he bumps the tax break up to 30% and changes the employment law so no Kiwi actors are allowed to use the toilet.
Bob's also in the running to take over from Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.
Ian Thorpe just got married
It’s a temp job of course and may last up to two weeks depending on how fast I can get rid of their money. I signed up with a new temping agency and like totally nailed the interview. If I nailed auditions like I nail temp agency interviews I’d be a big star now hanging out in Hollywood, Wellywood or Elijah Wood. If only auditions for major feature films were looking for ‘people familiar with Microsoft Word who can type fast’. I got 32 out of 35 questions correct in my Microsoft Word 2007 test and blazed the keyboard with a blistering 58 words per minute using only two fingers on each hand and a random thumb. I could see my temp consultant Skye was dead impressed with these results, so I followed it up by giving her my profiles, speaking in an Irish accent and running around the office like a deer. This didn’t interest her at all until I got 30 out of 35 on Microsoft Excel while crying in an American accent and the deal was done.
The people at this unnamed sportswear company are very nice and the Ultimate Beaver is nowhere to be seen…although I know he’s still watching me like one of Obama’s kill-satellites. It’s a lovely place to while away a few weeks and they even have Dilmah tea and free soy milk on tap so I shouldn’t complain… but I will. I have to use a thing called SAP. I’ve never used this SAP thing before however after googling it I discovered to my horror that it’s really popular and is used by lots of big corporations who should know better. It was created by some Germans who were obviously still upset about losing the war and decided to take their revenge by unleashing this behemoth of bad design upon the world. Here's a picture of them looking evil.
 |
| Ralf, Florian, Karl and Wolfgang |
I bet nobody uses SAP in Germany or if they do they use the really good version of SAP that doesn’t make you hold the Enter key down for 30 seconds to cycle through hundreds of redundant warning messages about every transaction ever transacted. Before I worked out I could just depress the enter key continuously I was whacking it as fast as possible as if I was competing in the 100m sprint in Hyper Olympic. If you don't know what I'm talking about go here and thrash your x and y's like it's 1984. Back then they even had Hyper Olympic video games in fish and chip shops and those in the know used a 20c piece to rub back and forth against the red run button until all the plastic had been rubbed away to the metal beneath. Once on a family holiday in Nelson all my brother and I wanted to do was player Hyper Olympics in the fish and chip shop. As I was younger I was given the labour intensive and RSI inducing job of thrashing my 20 cent coin while he hit the jump key for the 110m hurdles. We had a lot of success from this team approach so if you can find a friend to whack your space bar for you I highly recommend it.
Anyway, as I mentioned somewhere in this post I've giving money away. I don't know why I'm giving it away, all I know is I have to give heaps of it away before the end of the Australian financial year. What makes me very proud is that as I'm working in the Australasian Head Office of this global sportswear brand, I get to give lots of money back to sports shops in New Zealand. So far, my furious whacking has contributed thousands of Australian dollars to the New Zealand economy. Thousands of AU dollars = $3.14159265 trillion NZ dollars. I am saving the NZ economy one whack at a time. Every time I whack New Zealand gets my money shot. Everyone thinks John Key is saving New Zealand but he's not. It's me. The reason he does nothing but smile and blame the earthquake for everything before saying the earthquake will save the NZ economy is that he's noticed my huge deposits and can't believe his luck. Here's a photo of the moment when he found out what I was doing...
 | |
| Ian Thorpe, John Key, Mrs Key, Robert Parker and a Pageboy |
Bob's also in the running to take over from Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter.
Ian Thorpe just got married
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