I'm writing this post under the influence of my spasming gullet. It hasn't spasmed for quite a while but due to a combination of over-exuberant fisting in the ring and swallowing big meat, I'm now spitting saliva into a glass to avoid swallowing anything. I could post a picture of the glass, which is almost full of my frothy boy bile, however nobody needs to see things like that. Just putting the image in your imagination is enough.
But enough of that, let's talk about Kate Bush. I was getting a bit weepy listening to This Woman's Work yesterday when I remembered that Kate wrote Wuthering Heights when she was 18. 18! Quite a few of the songs off her first album were written when she was 13! 13! 18-13=5. 5!
Sorry. I've just been side-tracked by three recent comments on the Wuthering Heights YouTube link. If you watch the video you'll see them but if you haven't got time I'll copy and paste them here, because unlike 99.999% of YouTube comments, these are quite funny and not racist.
She's releasing a new album soon and if it's as half as good as her last double disc delight Aerial it will be a bit disappointing but still OK. These days she lives in a castle somewhere and writes songs about her whiteware. It's a fantastic song and features 8 bars of the best lyrics you'll ever hear...
Gullet update: no spasms for 20 minutes and an empty wine glass.
I've written three songs in my life and I can say with all honesty they were, are and always will be a steaming pile of musical and lyrical KFaeCes. The sloshing sound as I swish my cup of bile has more musicality than the self-indulgent crap I committed to 24 track, 2 inch tape back in 1996. This is hard to admit, but all three of the songs I wrote, played, sang, engineered and produced were worse than ANYTHING done by THE FEELERS. Yes...they were that bad. And I was 22. Three years older than Kate when she wrote Wuthering Heights.
These audio monstrosities were recorded at Westside Studios, near Shepherds Bush in London. I was working there for free doing important things like making tea and buying fags for fat producers. It was bloody great fun and I got to meet some big names, although half the time I didn't know it. One day a bald middle-aged man turned up and I went out to help him carry in his gear. 'Hi, I'm Brian', he said. 'Hi, I'm Greg', I said. Then I carried in his H3000 Ultra-Harmonizer and some other knob boxes. We had a nice chat about New Zealand and I made him a cup of tea. Later, Sam the Kiwi assistant engineer, (who played drums on one of my dirges although he was very drunk at the time), asked me if I knew who the bald middle aged man was. I said 'No.' He said 'Brian Eno.' I said, 'Oh yeah, he does stuff with U2 doesn't he?' Sigh.
Before I get onto my three songs I'm sure you're all desperate to know of any other famous people I met and if they were nice and if I recognised them so I'll shamelessly name drop by name, if I recognised them and whether they were an arsehole or nice.
Jimmy Nail YES Arsehole.
Robson Greene NO Nice.
The guy who did the TV show with Robson Green NO Arsehole.
Elvis Costello YES Nice.
Nenah Cherry YES Nice. (Even after I repeatedly called her Stella.)
Brett Anderson YES Odd.
Bernard Butler YES Nice. (Didn't stop me nicking his wee amp which he left behind though.)
Suggs YES Nice.
The lead singer from UB40. YES Nice. (Although he was off his chops and kept screaming 'I'm a fucking Maori' at me.)
Johnny Marr NO. Very nice. (That probably will have changed after I sent him off in the wrong taxi at 2am.)
I can't remember a lot about the three songs I recorded on my reel of 2 inch tape but what I do remember is much too much. One of them was called 'Close To Special' and was about Godzilla accidently stomping on someone he loved in Tokyo. I kid you not. I can only remember the first four lines and they went like this...
Smitten by my brilliant disguise??WTF was I thinking? I was drunk quite a bit of the time but that's no excuse. Another of my tunes was entitled 'Toronto' and not only rhymed Toronto with 'The Lone Ranger and Tonto' but featured a chorus reminiscient of John Rowles in the Gerard Roofing TVC that went...
Over and over and over again. I can't remember anything about the third song which is a minor blessing. I even had the naive audacity to play them to one of the studio owners Clive Langer and after listening to them he managed to keep a straight face and say, 'Well, you've written three songs Greg, that means you can write some more.'
Thankfully I didn't take his advice, although I left that reel of 2 inch tape in London, so the world may still be in danger.
Gullet update: no spasms for two hours and another empty wine glass.
But enough of that, let's talk about Kate Bush. I was getting a bit weepy listening to This Woman's Work yesterday when I remembered that Kate wrote Wuthering Heights when she was 18. 18! Quite a few of the songs off her first album were written when she was 13! 13! 18-13=5. 5!
Sorry. I've just been side-tracked by three recent comments on the Wuthering Heights YouTube link. If you watch the video you'll see them but if you haven't got time I'll copy and paste them here, because unlike 99.999% of YouTube comments, these are quite funny and not racist.
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my cat, mr. nibbles took first place in our towns talent show performing this number. only hitch was, he refused to wear a red dress...insisted on white...little dickens..and quite cheeky.dbeard451 5 days ago 9
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Is it bad im doing A-level English and this is the closest i've come to studying the book?Trinitykill 1 week ago 5
She's releasing a new album soon and if it's as half as good as her last double disc delight Aerial it will be a bit disappointing but still OK. These days she lives in a castle somewhere and writes songs about her whiteware. It's a fantastic song and features 8 bars of the best lyrics you'll ever hear...
Slooshy sloshy slooshy sloshy
Get that dirty shirty clean
Slooshy sloshy slooshy sloshy
Make those cuffs and collars gleam
Get that dirty shirty clean
Slooshy sloshy slooshy sloshy
Make those cuffs and collars gleam
Gullet update: no spasms for 20 minutes and an empty wine glass.
I've written three songs in my life and I can say with all honesty they were, are and always will be a steaming pile of musical and lyrical KFaeCes. The sloshing sound as I swish my cup of bile has more musicality than the self-indulgent crap I committed to 24 track, 2 inch tape back in 1996. This is hard to admit, but all three of the songs I wrote, played, sang, engineered and produced were worse than ANYTHING done by THE FEELERS. Yes...they were that bad. And I was 22. Three years older than Kate when she wrote Wuthering Heights.
These audio monstrosities were recorded at Westside Studios, near Shepherds Bush in London. I was working there for free doing important things like making tea and buying fags for fat producers. It was bloody great fun and I got to meet some big names, although half the time I didn't know it. One day a bald middle-aged man turned up and I went out to help him carry in his gear. 'Hi, I'm Brian', he said. 'Hi, I'm Greg', I said. Then I carried in his H3000 Ultra-Harmonizer and some other knob boxes. We had a nice chat about New Zealand and I made him a cup of tea. Later, Sam the Kiwi assistant engineer, (who played drums on one of my dirges although he was very drunk at the time), asked me if I knew who the bald middle aged man was. I said 'No.' He said 'Brian Eno.' I said, 'Oh yeah, he does stuff with U2 doesn't he?' Sigh.
 |
| The B50U2's and some balding guy. |
Jimmy Nail YES Arsehole.
Robson Greene NO Nice.
The guy who did the TV show with Robson Green NO Arsehole.
Elvis Costello YES Nice.
Nenah Cherry YES Nice. (Even after I repeatedly called her Stella.)
Brett Anderson YES Odd.
Bernard Butler YES Nice. (Didn't stop me nicking his wee amp which he left behind though.)
Suggs YES Nice.
The lead singer from UB40. YES Nice. (Although he was off his chops and kept screaming 'I'm a fucking Maori' at me.)
Johnny Marr NO. Very nice. (That probably will have changed after I sent him off in the wrong taxi at 2am.)
I can't remember a lot about the three songs I recorded on my reel of 2 inch tape but what I do remember is much too much. One of them was called 'Close To Special' and was about Godzilla accidently stomping on someone he loved in Tokyo. I kid you not. I can only remember the first four lines and they went like this...
Tokyo, is on its knees,
I could crush, the city with ease.
People stare with saucer eyes,
Smitten by my brilliant disguise.
Smitten by my brilliant disguise??WTF was I thinking? I was drunk quite a bit of the time but that's no excuse. Another of my tunes was entitled 'Toronto' and not only rhymed Toronto with 'The Lone Ranger and Tonto' but featured a chorus reminiscient of John Rowles in the Gerard Roofing TVC that went...
I wanna go T, T, T, T, T, T, T to Toronto.
Over and over and over again. I can't remember anything about the third song which is a minor blessing. I even had the naive audacity to play them to one of the studio owners Clive Langer and after listening to them he managed to keep a straight face and say, 'Well, you've written three songs Greg, that means you can write some more.'
Thankfully I didn't take his advice, although I left that reel of 2 inch tape in London, so the world may still be in danger.
Gullet update: no spasms for two hours and another empty wine glass.
