Lots of people are playing rugby in New Zealand at the moment. Lots of people are watching people play rugby in New Zealand at the moment. Not lots of people are watching our play about people playing rugby in New Zealand at the moment. That's OK though. We're doing our play in the frigid Fanzone and everyone knows plays are best enjoyed in a toasty warm theatre with a glass of wine in one hand and your penis in another. That's not strictly true as you don't always need wine to enjoy a play, but it certainly helps, especially if you want to glass an actor or cut your wrists at half time.
Although our audiences have been small, they have been perfectly formed and appreciative of our artistic endeavours. One small boy was so appreciative he came up after the show and gave me $4. His mother refused to let me give it back and the cherubic wee creature gazed up at me with pity, his eyes clearly saying, 'You need this more than I do.' It was exactly the same look I'd received from the cherub who gave me a tiny parcel of glad-wrapped bacon sandwiches after my portrayal of the Big Bad Wolf in everyone's favourite kids show 'Blowing Bacon'. It takes a special sort of talent to make four year olds feel sorry for you
Speaking of kids, one woman was apoplectic with rage and confusion and accused the event organiser of staging a 'kids show fuck fest'. I admit some of our content is risqué. We say 'bullshit' once, 'feck-kekkin' quite a lot, one of us dresses up as a giant testicle and all of us dress up as the Village People, however it's hardly a fuck fest. The only fuck fest performance I've ever been involved in was an illicit short film entitled 'Horny Ambush', shot during downtime while making 'The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe'. Although there are only four copies in existence I'm forever terrified one will leak onto YouTube and cripple my extensive international film and television career. I'm not proud of what I did, but in my defence I'd hardly slept for two months and was wearing green tights.
Another highlight was having the New Zealand Army Band open for us. This was a BIG deal. The New Zealand Army Band are huge in New Zealand and not only are they the ARMY, they are also a BAND. Here's a picture of them tromboning.
Although our audiences have been small, they have been perfectly formed and appreciative of our artistic endeavours. One small boy was so appreciative he came up after the show and gave me $4. His mother refused to let me give it back and the cherubic wee creature gazed up at me with pity, his eyes clearly saying, 'You need this more than I do.' It was exactly the same look I'd received from the cherub who gave me a tiny parcel of glad-wrapped bacon sandwiches after my portrayal of the Big Bad Wolf in everyone's favourite kids show 'Blowing Bacon'. It takes a special sort of talent to make four year olds feel sorry for you
Speaking of kids, one woman was apoplectic with rage and confusion and accused the event organiser of staging a 'kids show fuck fest'. I admit some of our content is risqué. We say 'bullshit' once, 'feck-kekkin' quite a lot, one of us dresses up as a giant testicle and all of us dress up as the Village People, however it's hardly a fuck fest. The only fuck fest performance I've ever been involved in was an illicit short film entitled 'Horny Ambush', shot during downtime while making 'The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe'. Although there are only four copies in existence I'm forever terrified one will leak onto YouTube and cripple my extensive international film and television career. I'm not proud of what I did, but in my defence I'd hardly slept for two months and was wearing green tights.
Another highlight was having the New Zealand Army Band open for us. This was a BIG deal. The New Zealand Army Band are huge in New Zealand and not only are they the ARMY, they are also a BAND. Here's a picture of them tromboning.
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There's a lot more to the New Zealand Army Band than trombones though. They have trumpets, and tubas and snare drums and I've heard rumours if the National Government can sell our Skyhawks, they are going to invest in a lethal sousaphone. New Zealand doesn't have enough money for an army and a band so John Key came up with the brilliant idea of sticking bayonets onto trombones, mortars in tubas and grenades in French Horns and voila, you have an immaculately dressed killing machine that can also play 'Sweet Georgia Brown' and 'Let Me Entertain You'. Often the last sound an enemy combatant will hear is 'Hold That Tiger' before they explode or get stabbed in the face by a trombone bumper.
Parp...parp....parp....parp...PARP...PARP...PARP....PARP...STAB...Hold that tiger!
Scary stuff!
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which fanzone are you in?
ReplyDeletehey se, the christchurch one until october 14th and then the auckland one oct 17th - 21st
ReplyDeleteWe turned out yesterday to see your show and it was cancelled due to the weather. The weather was actually lovely so we found that a bit perplexing but we figured it was an excuse for a sleep in or you forgot day light savings or something. Luckily the Bats were there to cover for you, playing all their songs which sound the same but are quite nice nevertheless.
ReplyDelete