New On-Bored

I never learn. Blogging about something you despise, in this case a Canadian band that rhymes with Bickelnack, will inevitably lead to advertisements appearing on ones blog for the very thing you have been raging against. The machine that is Google Adsense cannot distinguish between pro or NO! And the only winners are Chad Kroeger and Brother.

Thank you Greg for promoting my new album. Love Chad.

I was going to be horrendously clever and pay 1000 monkeys to click on Bickelnacks's ad without buying their album, and not stop until the band was bankrupt so I could call them Nickelbankrupt, or one of the monkeys took lots of drugs and typed the complete works of William Burroughs. Then I noticed the advertisement was from Marbecks Music, and as much as I'm disgusted at 'New Zealand's leading music specialist' peddling such filth, I cannot bring myself to go all rogue-clicker and destroy an institution that's been operating since 1934. Also I suspect some of the monkeys may not be able to resist buying Bickelnack's album to throw their own shit at.

On the subject of monkeys, I watched 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' on an Air New Zealand flight last month and thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the bit where Bright Eyes started burning like fire and killed Draco Malfoy. If all the monkeys had escaped to march on Alberta to throw shit at Chad Kroeger it would have been even better, but you can't have everything.

I returned to Christchurch again a few weeks ago and was excited to see what new filmic offerings Air New Zealand had ready for my viewing pleasure while I harassed harassed flight attendants for yet another plastic bottle of Brancott Estate Reserve Merlot. I went straight to the 'New On-Board' screen and to my horror saw this...

Not much to choose from is there. I'd forked out an extra $30 and all I was getting was a gluten free salmon meal, four bottles of merlot, a gin and tonic and a whole lot of bloody Harry Potter films. Why do I need to see Harry Potter films? Everyone knows that Draco Malfoy gets killed by an ape and Voldemort turns out to be Harry's father and gets his end away in a Qantas toilet while flying to Mumbai. Boring! How can a whole lot of Harry Potter films be considered suitable viewing for a 'New On-Board' classification? If the section was called, 'Films That Feature Lots of Plummy British Actors Except Hugh Grant That You've Probably Seen a Million Bloody Times on the Tele', I would understand, but honestly Air New Zealand, this is a misleading and shameful act for a national carrier. Still, there was another whole page of 'New On-Board' films to go, so surely I'd find a recently released cracker there to get me through the next three hours...

Look Greg, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over.

WTF! So, out of 12 'new' films, eight were Harry Potters, one I'd already seen, one was released in 2007, one in 2009 and Horrible Bosses, which admittedly was released in 2011, but has Jennifer Aniston in it who I cannot face since searing my eyeballs on 'Love Happens'.

I'm flying back to Melbourne on Friday and if there isn't a serious shake-up in the movie selection there will be serious trouble. I may pretend I didn't order a gluten free meal when really I did. I may order 20 Brancott Estate Merlots and hand them out for free to grateful Seat+Bag passengers. I may even express my anger by playing Words With Friends up-to, during and after take-off, and if challenged by an power-hungry tyrannical trolley dolly, sprint down the aisle, lock myself in the toilet and continue playing Words With Friends with Ralph Fiennes and Alec Baldwin  until one of us comes out on top.