A Post On Posters

You'd think having spent three years at the University of Canterbury not doing a double degree in law and economics and doing a degree in business administration, with a good dollop of marketing and sociology, I'd have some of idea of how to sell a theatre show, but I don't.

I know you're meant to make up some posters and flyers. The previous AD of a theatre I worked at insisted all posters, "must be able to be read from a bus." I'm still not certain if he meant the poster must be able to be read from a moving bus, or if the poster itself was on a moving bus and must be able to be read by someone not on the bus, or if the poster should be able to be read by someone on the bus with the poster, but Melbourne has trams so it doesn't matter anyway.

Flyers though are crucial. I've had previous experience with flyers. Flyers are horrible. I dislike them intently. The only thing worse than giving a flyer is being given one. Nobody wants a flyer. They are little bits of paper laminated in lies. The flyer giver is pretending to like you, the flyer is riddled with cobbled corrupt quotes from fictitious publications about a completely different show to the one on the flyer, and the flyer recipient says they will definitely come to your show when they have no intention of attending. Sometimes the flyer recipient will reciprocate and perpetuate the lie cycle by giving you a flyer to their show, 'I Had A Nervous Breakdown But I'm Feeling Better About It Now I Can Sing And Smoke And Argue with My Mother And Eleven Other Family Members: **** The Scottish Age Herald Sun Tribune Time Out Someone's Blog Fringe Review', and then you have to gush a fountain of lies about how you'll definitely come along and tell all your friends and tweet and post and vote for them in the online audience Best of the Fringe Award.

I blew all my advertising budget, or what happened to be in my bank account at the time, on 50 posters and 500 flyers for Heroic Faun No. One. 50 posters isn't a lot, but I'm terrified of them after the traumatic experience of watching nine of my A3 posters get wiped out by one giant AFUCKOFF U2 Zooropa poster in Christchurch, minutes after I'd stuck them up with sticky tape, two toilet rolls, one pipe cleaner and a pair of snips. The entire poster run for my show, 'Whoops I've Lost My Pukeko In A Moist Place **** The Christchurch Bugler', was eviscerated by this monstrosity.

BoNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

New Zooland. Hilarious. And Bono's got a fag in his mouth, which is hardly setting a good example for the youth is it. The Edge actually looks like he's celebrating the fact he ruined my season and Adam looks like he's been human centepeded onto the edge of The Edge. The only one who seems the slightest bit remorseful is Larry, and he's always been my favourite B52U2er. Thank you Larry.

I've given five of my posters to the Fringe and they've put them up somewhere. I'm using another 15 of them during the season for Sandro to sketch a picture of a lucky audience member on the back. A few have been given away and the cat chewed up one, so that leaves about 20. Now, in real time, I shall go and conquer my U2 fear, by putting up 8% of my poster run on a bollard on the corner of Stanley Street and Smith Street, and take photos to prove it...talk amongst yourselves, I may be gone for some time.

I'm back. It all went off without a hitch. Here I am buying the naughty tools of my trade at Woolworths. I'm wearing my official 'The Lion The Witch and the Wardrobe' cap to hide my identity, and for its symbolic symbolism. I'm a bit blotchy in the face due to nervousness and being allergic to everything.

Elmer's School Glue was on special at $2.49

Here is a photo of the bollard before my heroic assault.

It was a tough choice as to the posters I would have to envelop, but after seconds of deep contemplation I decided Turbonegro and Spiritualized could cope with the marketing hit. I've hyperlinked to their shows as a small token of my remorse, and I think Spiritualized may have already sold out. Now it was time to break out the Elmers and get marketing!

Generations of school children have grown up with this #1 brand of school glue. Elmer’s washable no-run school glue is easy to use and stays where you put it. It is safe, non-toxic and washable, so accidental messes mean easy clean-up!

You may notice I'm wearing sunglasses now as well as my cap. That's because I'm very famous in Melbourne and didn't want anyone to see me pasting up my own posters. A police car drove past slowly...

Bad Greg, bad Greg, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do with your Elmer's Glue?

...but I just kept on gluing. Soon, the first posters were in place.

I kept expecting Bono to turn up with a big poster, but he must have been too busy evading tax. I pressed on pressing on posters and before you could say, "Over me and over you, stuck together with God's glue, it's going to get stickier too', I was done!

Great stuff!

And finally, here's the completed bollard in action, busy generating thousands of dollars worth of ticket sales.

Ooooh, I must get tickets to that!

Wow. I've overcome a phobia that's crippled me emotionally and professionally for 20 years, and I've still got 16 posters and 200 flyers left. What a day! Tickets must be flying out of the internet by now, so go here quick and don't miss out.