Yesterday a woman had a baby and now it looks as though he's here to stay on the front page of every newspaper and magazine for the rest of my life. Women have babies all the time, in fact as I type this sentence babies are popping out all over the world like this:
Pop, pop, POP!Music.
Everyone is very excited about this particular baby because one day he, he will be King, and you, you will be Queen, and nothing, will drive them away, because in the future we will be able to teleport and turn into flies. Big things around the world have been lit up blue to celebrate the arrival of the babe...
What babe?
The babe with the power to cut ribbons, wave and shake hands with shit loads of people in 54 independent sovereign states.
In my hometown they are lighting up their relatively new flight control tower blue to celebrate the fact the baby boy is a boy with blue blood and he's blue da ba dee da ba di x7. The last time the Christchurch control tower was blue was in September in an effort to make men flying to Hamilton face up to the prospect of prostate cancer. "Go Blue! Face up to prostate cancer". I'm not sure how blue relates to prostate cancer aside from the fact that blue screams BOY and most boys grow up to become MEN and MEN scream when other MEN put their finger up their bums to palpate their prostate.
The high point of New Zealand's celebration though, even higher than the Sky Tower, will be when the blue lights are switched on the giant corrugated iron sheep dog tonight in Tirau. This dog is the dogs bollocks. The only times I ever passed through Tirau were on the way to Rotorua to perform murder mysteries, and this giant dog with his sad giant corrugated eyes felt my pain and made me feel slightly better about spending all night dressed as a woman fending off the unwelcome attentions of drunk business men trying to palpate my prostate. Never been to Tirau? Never fear. Gaze upon this in awe and wonder.
Tonight, this giant dog and 36 other landmarks will be blue. In the background you may just be able to make out another giant corrugated iron figure. It is a sheep. But, I'm not going to post a photo of that because then you'll never have a reason to drive through Tirau, and you must.
Wouldn't it be amazing if Willkat called their blue baby Kong? Then to celebrate his coronation after a 106 year oldCharles William (thanks Mum), collapses to death under the weight of the crown, he could put on a gorilla suit and scale The Shard while clutching Pippa Middleton.
Unfortunately what's unfortunate about this blue Monday is other immensely important news events have fallen under the royal radar. New Zealand is busy shaking itself into the ocean and nobody outside of New Zealand gives a rats pyjamas. Dennis Farina just died and nobody knows except Wikipedia. And this!
This is 16093 people from 43 countries breaking the world record for people in a line doing Riverdance! The old record was 652 in Nashville, Tennessee which:
a) Isn't very many.
and
b) Isn't in Ireland.
Look at them all dancing from the groin down. It's incredible. I can't be bothered finding out why dancing like this is called Riverdancing, however on closer inspection all they're really doing is treading water with no water, so I'd say it's how the Irish stopped drowning when they fell pissed in the River Liffey and then Bono said let's put lots of people on stage in a line pretending to tread water quickly and 25 million people will pay to watch.
Pop, pop, POP!
Everyone is very excited about this particular baby because one day he, he will be King, and you, you will be Queen, and nothing, will drive them away, because in the future we will be able to teleport and turn into flies. Big things around the world have been lit up blue to celebrate the arrival of the babe...
What babe?
The babe with the power to cut ribbons, wave and shake hands with shit loads of people in 54 independent sovereign states.
In my hometown they are lighting up their relatively new flight control tower blue to celebrate the fact the baby boy is a boy with blue blood and he's blue da ba dee da ba di x7. The last time the Christchurch control tower was blue was in September in an effort to make men flying to Hamilton face up to the prospect of prostate cancer. "Go Blue! Face up to prostate cancer". I'm not sure how blue relates to prostate cancer aside from the fact that blue screams BOY and most boys grow up to become MEN and MEN scream when other MEN put their finger up their bums to palpate their prostate.
The high point of New Zealand's celebration though, even higher than the Sky Tower, will be when the blue lights are switched on the giant corrugated iron sheep dog tonight in Tirau. This dog is the dogs bollocks. The only times I ever passed through Tirau were on the way to Rotorua to perform murder mysteries, and this giant dog with his sad giant corrugated eyes felt my pain and made me feel slightly better about spending all night dressed as a woman fending off the unwelcome attentions of drunk business men trying to palpate my prostate. Never been to Tirau? Never fear. Gaze upon this in awe and wonder.
Tonight, this giant dog and 36 other landmarks will be blue. In the background you may just be able to make out another giant corrugated iron figure. It is a sheep. But, I'm not going to post a photo of that because then you'll never have a reason to drive through Tirau, and you must.
Wouldn't it be amazing if Willkat called their blue baby Kong? Then to celebrate his coronation after a 106 year old
Unfortunately what's unfortunate about this blue Monday is other immensely important news events have fallen under the royal radar. New Zealand is busy shaking itself into the ocean and nobody outside of New Zealand gives a rats pyjamas. Dennis Farina just died and nobody knows except Wikipedia. And this!
This is 16093 people from 43 countries breaking the world record for people in a line doing Riverdance! The old record was 652 in Nashville, Tennessee which:
a) Isn't very many.
and
b) Isn't in Ireland.
Look at them all dancing from the groin down. It's incredible. I can't be bothered finding out why dancing like this is called Riverdancing, however on closer inspection all they're really doing is treading water with no water, so I'd say it's how the Irish stopped drowning when they fell pissed in the River Liffey and then Bono said let's put lots of people on stage in a line pretending to tread water quickly and 25 million people will pay to watch.
Oh alright, but don't tell anyone.
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