Some people move to Australia for work, some move for the sunshine and some move because they like to be near creatures that can poison or eat them, however my sole reason for moving to Australia was to get away from this man.
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| Hai ladies! |
His name is Mike Hosking. If you're not from New Zealand you'll have no idea who he is and should consider yourself bloody lucky. He's one of those middle-aged, boorish, self-righteous, right-wing blow-hards you find blowing themselves hard on multiple media platforms in most Western countries, think a pinch of Jeremy Clarkson, with a smattering of Sean Hannity and a prick of Piers Morgan. Mike is everywhere in NZ. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Most outsiders think New Zealand is nothing but sheep and Hobbits but it's not, it's nothing but sheep and Hosking, although now most of the sheep have fucked off to be replaced by gaseous cows busy shitting in rivers, so New Zealand is nothing but cows and Hosking, Hosking and cows, farting and shitting as far as the ear can hear and the eye can see. You know in the movie of the book by Orwell starring Hurt and Hurt only has one tele that he can't turn off and every time he looks at it there's this big face telling him what to think and do... in NZ that face is Mike Hosking. Mike knows everything about everything and he's not afraid to tell you all about it all the time on television, radio, newspaper, Twitter and there is no escape, there is only submission and subservience to the Hosking juggernaut. I was terrified he'll suddenly turn up on TV over here but after the one million dollar Paul Henry Channel 10 fiasco I foolishly believed I could remain unexposed to his radioactive right-wing field of crap.
But the internet put an end to that. This morning I clicked on the NZ Herald app and for some reason the first headline that appeared was 'House Prices Represent Success In Life'. That sounds like the headline to a witty piece of satire I thought and being game for an early morning chuckle I clicked on it and Mike won. Mike found me, he knows where I am and I haven't got the energy to run anymore. His Remtentacles ('Rem is Mike-speak for Remuera where Mike lives and tentacles are what Mike has instead of arms), reached out through my smartphone screen and coated my eyes with a smeary smarmy army of Hoskingisms.
"What the house prices represent is not dissimilar to what the dollar represents: success."
"Success is the outworking of demand."
"The dollar is on a roll, housing is on a roll, we're on a roll. These are golden days."
So in Mike's world, a housing bubble making it virtually impossible for first home buyers to buy and a high exchange rate to discourage NZ exporters, foreign tourists and contribute to a trade deficit means golden days, probably because Mike is pissing all over us as he delivers another sermon on the mount. Only yesterday a principal economist from the New Zealand Institute of Economic Research declared the Auckland housing bubble to be the equivalent of a ponzi scheme, but he's only got an Honours degree in Economics so what the hell does he know. Mike left school when he was 16 and lives in the real world and the economist is renting! Renting! What a loser!
As well as being excited about a housing bubble and the Kiwi dollar nearing parity with the Oz dollar, (one can imagine Mike ringing random Australian phone numbers late at night with his designer jeans round his ankles to gleefully scream "Parity!" at the poor unfortunate who answers before hanging up to finish Hosking himself off), Mike is exploding with the belief that NZ has Australia by the, "short and curlies". 'It's over!" screams Mike. Pick any indicator, left, right, hazard lights, Australia are rooted! Australia is over a barrel and Mike is right behind ready to give it a bloody good seeing-to with his mighty currency.
But, here's the thing. I live in Australia, and the truth is Australia couldn't give a shit about NZ's currency. The NZ dollar doesn't even make it on screen during the financial bit of the news over here. Bluntly, we need them a hell of a lot more than they need us. I'm no fan of Don Brash, but he knows a thing or two about economics and here's what he said in 2007...
Yes, the Aussie economy is going through a downturn, but that's largely due to an oversupply of iron ore and an oversupply of Tony Abbott, but both of these will come to an end, hopefully one much sooner than the other. Melbourne is growing by around 250 people every day. There are eight apartment buildings going up within a few blocks of where I live. One is probably large enough to accommodate Ashburton. New Zealand is an amazing place, full of incredible people and businesses doing incredible things, but to say we've, "nailed it" because we almost reached parity makes no sense no matter how many cents our dollar is worth.
Boo! Hiss! What a party pooper Cooper! Let's hear some more from the Hosker...
"This little nation of four and a half million produces a dollar that is at least as appealing as that monstrous land to our left. "
Ah, the old per-capita/small population gambit, used since the dawn of time to make us feel better about only winning one gold, two silver and seven bronze medals. Yes, the NZ economy is doing well, but I suspect its official cash rate of 3.5% compared to Australia's rate of 2.25% and dropping may have something to do with our sexy come hither dollar being so irresistible. I got a C+ in first year economics and 88% in my audio engineering diploma so I know about these things.
But I don't own a house. Mike owns a house. Maybe two. Maybe more. And now it's cheaper for him to pop over to Melbourne to buy his Ksubi jeans so we're all good and golden bro. Who gives a toss that the level of child poverty in Godzone has doubled since 1983 with around 280,000 kids going to school hungry and who cares that the top 1% of adults own three time's as much of the country's wealth as the entire lower half put together, success is measured by the value of your house and the value of your dollar.
And if you haven't got your hands on either, tough luck.
Great post - couldn't agree more. And we now have bloody Paul Henry as well - equally toxic
ReplyDeleteI couldn't believe it when I turned on 3 this morning and it was him (PH) instead of the show which contained actual news. So dumbed down, all multi-colooured and no content
DeleteOh, I wouldn't put Paul Henry and Mike Hoskings in the same box... PH does come across as a nicer, more intelligent person... that is really saying something for MH
DeleteRemtentacles should be a tshirt.
ReplyDeleteThat was a truly cathartic read. Whenever the ghastly, infantile and smug spectre of Mike Hoskings appears in my field of vision in future, I will use this article to restore my blood pressure to normal levels.
ReplyDeleteThis comment is my spirit animal
DeleteHonestly Mike Hoskings gives me the shits, how he managed to marry Kate Hawkesby, she must be mad!! - he is a jumped up little snot that preaches right wing bullshit, cannot stand him, i REFUSE to watch or listen anything that has him in it - i cannot stand the guy!
ReplyDeleteI hope there is such a thing as reincarnation and he comes back as a black woman who's not Oprah.
ReplyDeleteCockroach. Anything else is undeserved.
DeleteCockroaches can survive nuclear devastation and (for a time) decapitation. That's too generous. Worm would be better.
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DeleteBless you Gregory Cooper!! :D x
ReplyDeleteFantastic piece of writing Mr Cooper
ReplyDeleteHe is such a massive twazzock.
ReplyDeleteWhat is a "twazzock"
DeleteThink a about all the bad things you think about Mike Hoskings - Now write them down. It'll just save you picking up the dictionary, it'd say the same thing. :)
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ReplyDeleteBang on.
ReplyDeletePerfect
ReplyDeleteI've no idea whether he is as insufferable a prick irl as his persona presents - I suspect not.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the public NEED for this type of personality is probably moer worrying than the existance of it. 250,000 people a night voluntarily watch Seven, many more listen to his talkback (so, proof of sadprickism, but none the less).
Hosking? As a person I have no problem - I don't know him or move in his circles, and I don't watch or listen ot his programs. I'm ringfenced from his brand of stupid.
The vast crowd of those he appeals to though - they are out here in the wild. Eek.
Goodness, of all the things that stick with me is the word remtentacles sounds awfully like he has the men by their testicles and the women by his tentacles. Hell he must feel really powerful receiving all this information via the Universe, Christ has come again, lets tie him to a Cross and crucify him. Reminds me of the Wicked Queen, mirror mirror on the wall !!!!
DeleteBrilliant. Your rant makes it somewhat less painful to bear up under the incessant barrage of crap spewing from MH and others just like him. And to think I moved to NZ from the U.S. over a decade ago to escape Fox News and its followers. Oh, woe is me. Antarctica next?
ReplyDeleteNice work Greg!
ReplyDeletewe wear our smugness like a security blanket in eNZid.
ReplyDeleteyou nailed it...
Very accurate and true read. I can't stand looking or listening to the LITTLE twat either. I think he suffers from "small man syndrome
ReplyDeleteI love rants, especially when they are aimed at f**k sticks like mike hosking and paul henry. I smiled (grimly) for the first time today, cheers.
ReplyDeleteHosking is the herpes of television.
ReplyDeleteHe's a jumped up tory sycophant twat cockwomble.
ReplyDeleteExcellent writing. He's an utter dork, and along with Paul Henry is a very good reason not to own a telly any more.
ReplyDeleteFunny how his life has such a big impact on yours that you HAD to move to australia... get over it... he will be loving how you have had such a big sook about him to waste this much time crying about him... sad life you have... move on
ReplyDeleteHahaha!! ...oh oops- you weren't trying to be funny were you? As you were then, carry on. Or alternatively - move on.
DeleteWow. One person had that much influence on your life is pretty sad. I don't like Mike Hosking either but I decide to change channels, don't listen to his radio show and don't have a twitter account. Moving to Australia is pretty radical. What are you going to do when you discover that Australia also has privileged and opinionated media types too? Move where? Maybe therapy would be a better investment?
ReplyDeleteThe art of satire is lost on you, my friend.
DeleteWhat France said. Do some people have their sense of humour removed surgically or is possible to be born that way?
DeleteI had the misfortune (at the time, I thought myself greatly privileged) to work for Newstalk ZB some time ago. I was a lowly journalist, with lots of other lowly journalists.
ReplyDeletePresenters who bothered to stick their noses into the newsroom before/after their shifts/newsreading duties to say gidday: Deaker, Kerre Woodham, Bruce Russell, Danny Watson, Geoff Bryan
Presenters who didn't: Holmes, Hosking, Leighton Smith, Bernadine Oliver-Kerby, Larry Williams (usually)
Spoke volumes.
:)
DeleteI can't bear his pen thrusting , cuff pulling right wing ranting and I refuse to watch him at all. As for his sycophantic off siders both blonde they are vaporous and add nothing to any debate I have heard.
ReplyDeleteWho cares if they're blonde haired, blue or pink? They're vapid, I'll agree with that.
ReplyDeleteHe grows on you - and you all sound as if you have a tall poppy problem. Give him a chance - he was very good and unbiased during the electioneering - which I couldn't say the same about the Herald, and Duncan Garner.
ReplyDeleteits fine to say that about him trashing Hosking personally but can you argue against his economic points? I dont think you can, Hosking's assertion that house prices and the dollar being high is the sign of the golden age is wrong.
DeleteUnbiased during the election? Chortle. He did everything but lick Key's face (and he may have done that in private...) He just doesn't DO unbiased.
DeleteCancer grows on you, nasty bacteria grows on you. Hosking grates on you. He may well be a decent chap at home but in the media he is an opinionated twat. Paul Henry is too but the difference is Henry is occasionally correct. Hosking rarely is. More frightening is his total lack of understanding of economics yet he regularly feels qualified to call the Reserve Bank Governor an idiot who doesn't know what he is doing.
DeleteDamn right, Gregory. It's as if these people are cheering because the New Zealand entrant is catching up to the Australian runner who's just tripped in the race! Small minded indeed are the New Zealand media and the mindless swallowers of their propaganda, led by the nose by the politicians, big business and the rich, and promoting from within their ranks to celebrity status the least qualified with the most to say. A hollow charade. Sadly the majority are taken in. Not for long though, I'll warrant
ReplyDeleteHe always looks like hes just woken up and is sad or hungover. I dont hate him as much as you,but I sure don't like him. Smarmy git. This rant definitely made me laugh tho. More please!
ReplyDeleteYou summed it pretty well. You do not own a house.
ReplyDeleteSo either you are just starting out (and know nothing) or you are spending your money on today's pleasures and not going without like all the house owners have done. That puts you into the hole you want to put all others into.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI think Mike is an odious twat. He annoys the shit out of me. But having lived around the corner from Mike as a kid, surrounded by cemeteries, sewerage ponds, a metro refuse station and the shittiest of shit strip malls, I give him credit for having left Linwood High at 16 and being able to tell NZ what to think. It's such a shame that what he's telling them is so often horse shit.
ReplyDeleteWell said Hosking is a self centered little wanker who thinks he is way smarter than every other living creature and cant wait to tell us all what a bunch of losers we all are.
ReplyDeleteJeremy Wells is a heaps better ' Hosking' the original guy could just move on and inhabit another persona -maybe one that did a little less pissing on people, someone who went out and found out stuff, that kind of factiness stuff but I guess there wouldn't be much money in that -works for Cambell though ( and hopefully this will continue)
ReplyDeleteI manage to avoid mh and ph most of the time and that awful you I insurance guy..he makes me sick on many levels
ReplyDeleteMH and PH are merely comical relief agents, just sad that so many get sucked in by their jokes! Greg, that was magic keep'em coming and thanks for making my day.
ReplyDeleteYes I agree, and applaud Jeremy Wells for taking him on. Mike Hosking does have ONE use; ripe for satire!
ReplyDeleteHow can this dim-witted, logic-lacking, pompous, hero-worshipping numbnuts who is so blocked in by his own beliefs that he is incapable of investigative journalism be such a voice in NZ media? Who would employ such a type?
ReplyDeleteThe dim-witted, logic-lacking, pompous, hero-worshipping numb nuts who run TVNZ are the ones who employ him. And they in turn are driven by a need to please the number one numbnuts, John Key. It's scary just how comprehensively National are controlling the media and the message. My answer,like most sane people, is not to turn the tv on. But my heart aches for a return to real journalism. It was a joy to see Jane Kelsey take the little wanker on and win.
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ReplyDeleteHosking and Henry neck and neck for the biggest Dorks on TV and radio in NZ.
ReplyDelete