On 9 April I wrote a post about a man called Mike, tweeted I'd done so and that was that. By April 10 that post had received about 40 views, and at least five of those were mine as I corrected a few typos and checked to see if anyone had checked the 'daschund' box at the bottom....why's that red line underneath daschund? Oh shitballs. I've spelt it wrong. My blog's been in sporadic operation since 23 June 2009 so that means I've had the same spelling mistake on my blog for 2123 bloody days. And it's not just a little typo either, the 's' is in completely the wrong place and there's one whole 'h' missing in action. 'Daschund' doesn't even sound like dachshund. I've just found out 'schund' is German for 'trash' and 'da' is German for 'as', so for 2123 days I've been unwittingly inviting readers to mark my posts as German trash instead of a German short-legged long bodied dog. The difference is massive and mortifying.
This is almost as embarrassing as finding out after a million performances of my show Heroic Faun No. One to ten people, a faun was half human-half goat and not half human-half deer. I'd based my whole damn performance in 'The Lion...yada yada Wardrobe' on a deer which probably explains why I was hardly ever in shot. Andrew Adamson seems like a nice guy, but I bet he was there watching the dailies at nightlies screaming, "Why is that fucking faun acting like a fucking deer?!" They didn't ask me back for 'Whoops I've Lost My Lion!' or 'Banarniarama 3' and now I know why. I did one final performance of Heroic Faun as a goat and got big laughs. Afterwards I went home, had big cries, set fire to my green tights and bent my rubber sword in two. I was not an actor. I was a faun fraud. A fraund.
None of this is what I wanted to write about today though. On 11 April I wrote another post that hardly anyone read and then on 14 April I noticed my post about Mike had been viewed 1100 times. And every time I refreshed it was going up, fast, even faster than the value of a Hosking-house. In a few hours it had overtaken by previous most popular post about Trey Songz and I had no idea why. My tweet had been retweeted by some lovely people which was lovely, but it still didn't explain why my little blog was going a little viral for a little while. An old friend who's worked in advertising since before Mad Men told me how marketing executives would crash into meetings all bursting and bug-eyed yelling, 'I need a viral! Just one viral man! C'mon, don't hold out on me, I know you got a viral there somewhere, I'll give you anything you want....gotta....go...VIRAL!', before collapsing to the carpet to furiously tap their inner elbow with an iPhone. Going viral for the wrong reasons is easy, all you have to do is be racist on public transport or Woolworths, but going viral in a good way is like herding haystacks into a bottle of lightning with a cat, it's very tricky. Luckily the primary cause of my viralness was eventually revealed to me by another old friend Susan who sent me this screen grab.
This is the Facebook page of Taiki Waititi and he's got a lot of followers thanks to acting, writing and directing hit TV shows and films like Flight of the Conchords, Boy and What We Do In The Shadows. 'Remtentacles' seemed to strike a major chord with Taika which is nice. Unfortunately it struck a minor chord with one Andrew James who decided I was a "tiresome old bolshevik" who should be put against a wall and shot like the Romanian despot Nicolae Ceausescu. Crikey! Andrew sums up my post with the phrase, "It's not fair he's got a bigger ice cream than me it's not fair." And I think we all know by 'ice-cream' Andrew really means 'penis', and yes he's spot on, my whole rant was actually about being insanely jealous of the huge Paddlepop in Hosky's pants right-wing New Zealand can't wait to wrap their laughing gear round.
But all good viruses must come to an end, unless you don't vaccinate, and my little Hoskovirus is no exception. Now all I have left to remember it by are 45 comments and thank you to those who took the time to do so, especially this anonymous contributor who put me in my place and gave my noggin a good boppin' for poppin' my head out of my hole...
You summed it pretty well. You do not own a house.
So either you are just starting out (and know nothing) or you are spending your money on today's pleasures and not going without like all the house owners have done. That puts you into the hole you want to put all others into.
Of course! It's all black and white and blue all over. Young people don't know anything. All house owners have gone without and if you don't own a house it's your own fault because you've frittered all your money on today's pleasures like food and rent and shit like that. But not any more. Google tells me I've creamed $8.54AU ($8.67NZ...PARITY!) thanks to Mike Hosking and every cent of this will go towards buying a house. The average house price in Auckland is about $711 000, so watch out Hosky, I'll be popping over to ask for an ice cream before you know it.
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| Daschund |
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| Dachshund |
None of this is what I wanted to write about today though. On 11 April I wrote another post that hardly anyone read and then on 14 April I noticed my post about Mike had been viewed 1100 times. And every time I refreshed it was going up, fast, even faster than the value of a Hosking-house. In a few hours it had overtaken by previous most popular post about Trey Songz and I had no idea why. My tweet had been retweeted by some lovely people which was lovely, but it still didn't explain why my little blog was going a little viral for a little while. An old friend who's worked in advertising since before Mad Men told me how marketing executives would crash into meetings all bursting and bug-eyed yelling, 'I need a viral! Just one viral man! C'mon, don't hold out on me, I know you got a viral there somewhere, I'll give you anything you want....gotta....go...VIRAL!', before collapsing to the carpet to furiously tap their inner elbow with an iPhone. Going viral for the wrong reasons is easy, all you have to do is be racist on public transport or Woolworths, but going viral in a good way is like herding haystacks into a bottle of lightning with a cat, it's very tricky. Luckily the primary cause of my viralness was eventually revealed to me by another old friend Susan who sent me this screen grab.
 |
| Thanks Susan! |
This is the Facebook page of Taiki Waititi and he's got a lot of followers thanks to acting, writing and directing hit TV shows and films like Flight of the Conchords, Boy and What We Do In The Shadows. 'Remtentacles' seemed to strike a major chord with Taika which is nice. Unfortunately it struck a minor chord with one Andrew James who decided I was a "tiresome old bolshevik" who should be put against a wall and shot like the Romanian despot Nicolae Ceausescu. Crikey! Andrew sums up my post with the phrase, "It's not fair he's got a bigger ice cream than me it's not fair." And I think we all know by 'ice-cream' Andrew really means 'penis', and yes he's spot on, my whole rant was actually about being insanely jealous of the huge Paddlepop in Hosky's pants right-wing New Zealand can't wait to wrap their laughing gear round.
But all good viruses must come to an end, unless you don't vaccinate, and my little Hoskovirus is no exception. Now all I have left to remember it by are 45 comments and thank you to those who took the time to do so, especially this anonymous contributor who put me in my place and gave my noggin a good boppin' for poppin' my head out of my hole...
You summed it pretty well. You do not own a house.
So either you are just starting out (and know nothing) or you are spending your money on today's pleasures and not going without like all the house owners have done. That puts you into the hole you want to put all others into.
Of course! It's all black and white and blue all over. Young people don't know anything. All house owners have gone without and if you don't own a house it's your own fault because you've frittered all your money on today's pleasures like food and rent and shit like that. But not any more. Google tells me I've creamed $8.54AU ($8.67NZ...PARITY!) thanks to Mike Hosking and every cent of this will go towards buying a house. The average house price in Auckland is about $711 000, so watch out Hosky, I'll be popping over to ask for an ice cream before you know it.
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